a sliver of silver

Yikes, its been a while since i've blogged. Felt the need to ramble a little bit tonight, so here i am.

Life without my dad continues to be interesting. Living in a world without him in it for the first time in 35 years hasn't been easy. The silver lining to my saddness is the topic of my blog tonight.

After watching the life of my father come to an end, I promised myself that i'd make some changes. The first major change I made was quitting my job in the hopes to get back to work that was closer to a calling than just a paycheck. Although I enjoyed my job, loved the people that I was working with, and was making good money, I was working around the clock and unable to manage my stress level. Losing my dad increased my stress level, naturally. I had to get out, it was going to kill me.

I promised myself that I'd quit smoking - I'm still working on this one.

I promised to simplify my life as much as possible, which basically led to cleaning up my social circle. I want the people in my life who I love so much to feel my love every single day. This meant no more wasting time on the relationships that were not serving me and bringing love into my life. This will continue to be an ongoing project, but one that I fear not.

I promised myself a family. In any form. Ideally the kind that involves a man loving the shit out of me and giving me a couple humans to raise....but i'm trying to allow this subject of my life to unfold as its going to. Me and the Honey Bear are 5 years strong and more than enough for now.

I promised myself a lower number when climbing on the scale, but this also remains something in progress. What's become more of a goal for me is learning love and kindness for myself while going through these changes. Permission is funny. It's a word I use everyday. Giving yourself permission to act differently than you want to act is tricky.

On that note, I've come to the conclusion that the symptoms of grief are very similar to those of a brain injury. The smallest of situations became so overwhelming for me that I felt, and often still feel, totally handicapped and unable to navigate through many normal life experiences. My memory is questionable at best. My patience and tolerance for daily tasks and "normal" functions of daily living were so difficult...and remain difficult...that I've had to create creative and artistic ways to still be an adult. Grocery shopping? Forget it. Ive been ordering my groceries and having them delivered since June. Concentration is just a funny word I say sometimes Vs. something I am able to do. It's been a funny little world I've been living in, and I am finally getting around to admitting it and being totally OK with it.

My sliver of silver lining for tonight: i have more than one sliver, but im only going to share one of them tonight -  I'm determined to keep the promise I made to myself to live a more integrity filled life. I am currently in a coaching certification class and will have my first of several certifications by the middle of December. These certifications will declare me a Life Coach and Wellness Coach. I long for the day that my income will be generated by discussing FEELINGS all day long. I get to incorporate my love of essential oils, my training in homeopathy, and my previous anxiety coaching experience in my future coaching practice. Heaven. The prospect of being self employed, making my own schedule, and growing a practice stable enough to make the money I want without climbing into the hamster-wheel-of-the-nothingness-life again makes me very excited. Tonight I am filled with so much anticipation and determination to make this dream of mine come true. For me, I feel like I am finally returning to my real lifes' work and I am extremely clear of what I want my life to look and feel like.

I'll be writing more later. Until then, be well and love fiercely.
I love you, Papa.

Dear Dad

I watched you wither away
into the ashes that I carry around with me.
Last night I slept with your robe.
Your scent surrounded me all night long.
It was wonderful.
I've cleaned out your house,
replaced your carpets,
and painted the walls.
I've paid your bills.
I've cancelled some accounts.
I've sold your car.
Soon I'll be selling your home.
Our family home.

Although the details of your life have been a large project for me
I feel closer to you by remaining in your "world"
your paperwork
your passwords
your money
your house
your responsibilities while you were alive.
I fear what feelings I will feel once it's all completed
and there's nothing left for me to tend to.

I feel sometimes that I am chipping away at your life
your physical life on this earth
and slowly erasing any evidence that you were here at all.
I don't like it.

I randomly cry.
I cry both happy tears and tears of sorrow
many times a day.
Memories of my 34 years with you constantly play in my mind
and memories of our last few months together
fill up and tear apart my heart.
I miss you.
I can't imagine that changing.
In fact, I feel my longing for you grow stronger every day.

I love you.
Keep talking to me in pennies and sunsets. :)

my moment

today
as I came in from bringing out the mail
I walked in the front door
and from across the room
he opened his arms to me
I accepted the invitation
I crawled up into his arms
and joined him in his hospital bed
he said to me, "I just want to hold you"
and we both cried.

today
this was my moment
my moment with my daddy
and a moment I'll remember forever.

The Darkness

 

the blackness swirls around me

and plays with the colors of who I am

it threatens to take over

eliminating all that's beautiful

but I move with it

instead of resist.

I welcome the blackness;
the sorrow

to show the contrast of what truly exists inside of me;
love.

 

 

 

The Uses of Sorrow

(source unknown)

 

Someone I loved once gave me

a box of darkness

 

It took me years to understand

that this, too, was a gift.

evolution

I'm at a time in my life

where letting go seems to be the theme.

So I painted how it looks in my head

and how confusing it feels in my heart.

This is my vision of separation

my sight of distortion.

Some lines are clean and clear

but the change

the elements that are fading

and dissolving

remain fuzzy

during the transformation that is taking place.

 

I've realized that the pain of letting go

isn't attached to a person

or a relationship.

the hurt is born from the visions, hopes and expectations we hold on to

What is difficult to let go of

is what we create
what we have "seen" in our future
and what we have hoped for

not what we "have"

or have "had."

 

So as I navigate through a fuzzy life

I hold on to the sharp corners and curves

as they represent the parts of my life or myself
that won't change or go away

and I will wait for the fuzzy

to morph into new dreams

new experiences

and new relationships.

 

an ever changing life

an ever changing reality

an ever changing dream

my evolution

she stands as straight as she can

similar to a twisted tree trunk rooted in the earth

rough

strong

but weathered from the elements of life and world.

she feels her roots seeking nourishment.

she prays for and craves the healing and cleansing water from the sky

but she waits

and waits

a few drops fall occasionally upon her leaves and boney branches.

the bark of her skin soak up what it can

but not enough falls to penetrate the earth that keeps her planted.

she feels like maybe she's dying.

maybe there isn't enough to keep her alive.

until, she feels familiar roots that grow

intertwining with hers.

she can't see who wraps around her underneath

but she hears something in the dark hour that visits often.

it's a simple something

a something that sounded and felt like, "i am here."

 

she takes a breath

 

she starts to cry

 

and she is fed

He

This is my opinion of a man I call "He"


He has a light about him
that shines from his smile
and it's been felt in the touch of his hand
.....when he takes the time to touch
and it's been felt like electric shock from his body
.....when he sits still long enough to be held

His eye sight is selective
he hears what he wants to hear
his attention span is shorter than a minute
his ability to love is unknown
his past a wild one
his future a good one, if only he'd believe it were true

He battles and fights
but only with himself
it's not the world against him
not the past that haunts him
instead
just like the rest of us
it's his thoughts that manifest a devil
it's his insecurities and fears that keep him trapped
and unable to move forward

He feels like my man
but doesn't act like the man I need
he's distant
afraid
and destructive to my heart
in the absence of time, pursuit, and understanding

He is no different than me, really.
And we continue crawling in a web of confusion
hoping to understand
and heal from the hurt we've caused each other

He is someone I feel love for
he penetrates my mind
my heart
and lives inside of me
he fills my thoughts most minutes of most days
but existing outside of my body
and learning to survive and navigate inside of my world
he can't manage to do.

so it is.