Warning: MAY CONTAIN LOVE

It seems that everything we drink, inhale, ingest, or smell....literally everything has a warning label and a long list of possible side effects. Why should love be any different? So, i made one. My own warning label. Because sometimes loving someone can be more dangerous and scary than ingesting gasoline. :)


WARNING: MAY CONTAIN LOVE. Love has the ability to make you feel sick to your stomach, drowsy, distracted, dizzy, high, excited, confused, hurt, strong, weak, and crazy, among anything else imaginable. Accomplishing normal, routine and daily tasks may become harder to do and you may not be able to focus or concentrate. Possible heart attack symptoms may develop i.e. racing heart, heavy heart beat, shortness of breath, and chest pain.

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO:
Insomnia, nervousness, loss or increase in appetite, when he's not around all you will want to do is sleep, vocabulary and conversation will be strictly reduced to your "addiction" to him and the feelings of love. All else doesn't seem to matter.

DIRECTIONS:
Try to relax. Breathe. Surrender. Take in as much as you can. When it makes you tired, just sleep. If you start to experience the side effects listed above, do not lessen dose or stop accepting love. You will adapt and acclimate to the new feelings taking place in your body. If you withdraw from love, severe symptoms may also occur. The withdrawal symptoms are much worse. If withdrawal happens, there is no antidote. Not until love finds you again. Addiction and dependency could develop so prepare yourself and have fun.


DOSAGE:
COULD BE POISONOUS!!! Proceed with caution, until you throw it to the wind. Love's potency is high so be aware of who you are and your surroundings. Take in only what you are capable of until your life stretches out and makes room for more, then fill up again and continue to repeat for all time.

who i am

who i am...
this is not a question, but a statement.
this is who i am....

i am a woman of life and love
full bodied
and full bellied in wisdom and beauty
i am a woman filled with faith
and doubt
and indecision
and trust
and kindness.
i am a woman of laughter and light
that can't be taken from me
no matter what
it is who i am

i am a woman who:
prefers to be barefoot
wears weird hippie clothes
cries for no reason
has stretch marks
hates lipstick
loves to kiss
loves to touch
loves sweat pants
needs to feel protected
i'm creative,
and intense,
quirky,
clumsy,
gullible,
sensitive,
strong,
intuitive,
and still learning...
not only about myself
but of this wild world that surrounds me everyday.
i pride myself in still knowing i have a lot to learn.

all of who i am
wants to belong to you
but for now
i am walking away
because
i am a woman who deserves love.

sometimes i feel that there's nothing that could ever hurt me
as long as you are near me
close to me
and protecting me
but
who will protect me from you?
you are a bet i am not willing to play right now.
i will love you my whole life
and if you return to me
ready to grow and learn and change
with me
i will stand by your side
proud
and sure
that i am exactly where i was meant to be
but until then
i need to be who i am
without you.

my best friend

i think i have the most amazing best friend in the whole world.
and i could write alllllll day about the many things she has done for me, the way she loves me, and the fun times we have had together....
but today i only want to write about what she did for me this past Friday.

My phone rang around 8:15 am and she told me she would be at my house around 10:00 am to pick me up.
I was told to not worry about any of the things i had scheduled to do that day, pack a bag with a change of clothes, bathing suit, and a towel, and i was not to eat breakfast.
She picked me up and before getting into her car she made me repeat, "what ever is on my seat is mine to keep"
Sitting on my seat was a book, card and other little goodies.
In the card was the money i needed for a day up in the Indian Springs, Idaho Springs.

After some breakfast, we spent the day in the mountains, soaking in spring pools, slathering weird mud on our bodies just to watch it dry, we snuck into a private pool room and quickly left after finding a nasty hair ball on the wall :).....it was awesome!

I have no idea what i did to deserve such a friend, but i am thankful for her everyday.

I love you Beavis, Brie Brie, Mort, Skeeter.....(take your pick of the nicknames you have had over the years).

I love you so much. You will forever be my best friend

he calls me tickles

last night
i was explored
touched
calmed
held
and reminded to breathe

he traced the lines of my body
with only his finger
and gently layed his hands on the parts of me
that took me a while
to surrender to his touch

i giggled
and wiggled around
from the tickeling sensations shooting through my body
and the slight nervousness i felt
as it's been a while
since someone has touched me like that
he was calm
and he smiled
and called me "tickles"

it was sweet
i found myself
at one point
being so overwelmed with his sweetness
and tenderness
and care
i felt my eyes grow wet
and my heart swell
i felt like i was going to either melt away
or just die :)

dating and relationships

i don't really know where to start
so i am just going to start writing and we will see what happens, shall we?

is it safe to assume
that we are all at some point or another
looking for the same thing in relationships?
male or female
is it safe to assume that we all are looking to find someone who will love us and accept us for who we are?
and not only accept us for all the things we bring to the table
but actually like the very things that we don't like about ourselves?

assuming everyone wants the same thing
how do we go about finding this?
cause it can be confusing
and wonderful
and complicated
and fun
and scary
all at the same time
so, when that much emotion is on the line
how do you know when to jump in with both feet
or wait
or even end or leave a relationship?

i tend to always want to jump right in.
i figure, why not?
it's like trying on a pair of pants
you never really know how they fit until you put the darn things on
NO ONE would buy an expensive pair of jeans after only looking at them
or sliding only one leg in
that's silly.
you need to get both feet in there
really try them on to see if they feel right
to see if they fit

i see dating being very similar
but, lets not kid ourselves
dating and finding someone that you want to spend a lot of time with
develop a relationship with
and
eventually have sex with
is much more complicated than buying jeans

so, how do you decide to be with someone?

i offer no real good advice
i have not mastered this decision process
...not even a little

one of the things that makes it confusing for me is that "thing"
and i can't describe this "thing" as it is still a mystery to me
but if you have ever felt this "thing" you know that it can be extremely powerful
and it can also be very deceiving
for the same person who makes your tummy flip
and your heart flutter
and other bodily functions go into overdrive
may not be someone who has the ability to be with you
or love you.
so what do you do with all the flutters and "things" that happen
ignore them?
i simply can't.
rely on them solely?
i can't do that either.
so what the heck do these "things" mean?

it's enough to drive a person crazy!!!!

i know what it feels like to actually desire the taste of someone
and although i think that level of attraction is important
that can't be all there is
it can't be all that attracts you or keeps you involved with someone
there needs to be more
like a genuine liking of who they are
and who they are in the world
how they treat the people they pass on the streets
and how they make you feel (not the bodily reactions we discussed before)
but do you feel loved?
do you feel safe and protected?
are you comfortable around them?
do your core values align with theirs?
do you trust them?

AND
what happens when you meet someone that makes you weak in the knees
your tummy flip
and it's all you can do to keep from exploding when they are around
but their values are different then yours
your beliefs aren't the same
your lives, styles, attitudes, and well......EVERYTHING
are different?
is the relationship doomed from the beginning?
or is there a way to make it work?
it that "thing" worth it?
can you build a relationship based on this NEED to be with this person
even though
on paper
it appears as though you'd probably be happier with someone else?
It just makes no sense to me.


That's all i can write for now......
the only way i can think of to put an end to this blog
is to simply admit that i have no idea what i am talking about
i think relationships are among the most complicated and confusing things out there in the world
but
it is my opinion that
they are also the most amazing and rewarding investments to make

the best thing i can do....and i try to do it all the time
(sometimes i am able to and sometimes i fail miserably)
is
to just be open
love all who come my way
learn and teach the things we do when we cross paths with one another
and be grateful that i will always have "experiments" and experiences ahead of me.

i'm gonna keep trying on jeans until i find the perfect fit. :)

sometimes you just need a hug

i just simply had a rough day yesterday
it was one of those days where you struggle to keep a positive attitude
even with the strongest attempts to push through the "yuckies"
you just feel it all day long
and nothing necessarily happens in the day
to make it a bad day
it's just that feeling that follows you around
and wont let you breathe

by the time i went to bed last night i was feeling a little better
6 hours of studying...after a long day at work....had exhausted me
so i was sleepy and ready to crawl into bed
curl up to the whale pillow
close my eyes
and sleep

i woke up around 6:00 am
i woke myself up by making some very strange sounds
i could even feel the unnatural shapes my face was making
aka--the ugly cry face
but i wasn't really crying
it was one of those weird dream cries
where you are not actually crying
you are sort of just mimicking it
but once i was awake
that's when the real tears began to fall
i couldn't keep from crying
and so i wept
like a baby
scrunched up face and all.

why the tears???
i had a dream
a dream that my Dad had died
and he didn't actually die in my dream
but i was missing him after the fact
and the heaviness i felt in my heart
was enough to wake me up
and make me cry.
it hurt.

it was still dark outside
the air in my bedroom smelled fresh
and was slightly cold
but under my blankets i was warm
i laid there in my bed
and wished someone had been there with me
it was one of those moments
where you just wish someone would wrap you up
take you up into their arms
and hold you

i often find myself in a moment of "freak out"
about anything
it doesn't need to be anything specific
and the only thing that has the ability to calm me EVER
is a hug
to fall between someones arms
to feel them all around me
an embrace
a squeeze
it's all i need

it's the medicine that doesn't get prescribed enough:
TOUCH
physical contact

sometimes
most times
it makes everything better.

homeo what??????

lately i have been overwelmed.

School started again for me a couple weeks ago
and with my deadline quickly approaching
i continued on my "wine vacation" that i have been on for a couple months now
totally ignoring the piles of school work that needed to get done

i love wine.

i have tried giving myself an attitude adjustment
"GET FOCUSED" was the name of my adjustment
i keep telling myself, "i just gotta get through the next 9 months"
and then it will all be over!!!!!

So, i sit down last night to start a lecture
i put all my books, notebook, pens and highlighters out on by bed
and i am finally ready to get started
BUT, then something happened
the instructor starts in like i am supposed to know what she is talking about
she's using words and terminology that sounds familiar
but, i am not sure i understand what she's talking about
at all
i feel like screaming back at my TV, "hello lady?!?!? i've been busy drinking wine all summer!!!! i have forgotten everything i learned last year!!!!!"

so i quickly go into panic mode
for real. no joke.
i mean,
i am a relatively intelligent person
and holistic medicine is what i do!
so where have i gone wrong???
all i really want to do is throw my hands up and quit
and simultaneously
know that i will not be defeated by this!!
i am not a quitter!
so i continue on

what do i do you ask?
i RUN over to my book shelf and grab the book
this one book
that i am sure will solve all of my problems
The Idiots Guide to Homeopathy
because at this point i am even questioning if i know what Homeopathy IS
like, what am i even studying????
Homeo WHAT?
No idea.

to add to my brilliant book idea
and to begin damage control on my soon to be mental break down
i start the oils.....
i apply to various parts of my body
i sniff from the bottles like a strung out drug addict
and i start the diffusers

now i am feeling a little better

in the middle of calming myself down
i was struck by something my mom once said to me
"when in doubt or fear, just go back to what you know"
so that's what i did

i took a quick inventory of why i wanted to learn this medicine in the first place
i recalled my own struggles with health several years ago
i remembered my deep seated fear and distrust for most of western medicine and it's practitioners
i remember what it was like to offer someone hope
offer someone comfort
and help
and solutions
in the therapies i use
and believe in
and have prescribed in the past

so, now i am back.
i am ready to focus on the task at hand
i am ready to be a homeopath. :)
a homeo what????

don't ask, google it. :)

i need a glass of wine.

Alaska

I feel life crawling around
Just beneath my skin
Through my veins
Fluttering in my tummy
And rushing through my mind
It feels as though it’s searching
For a way out
To be free
And experienced
Not caged in by my physical existence
In a job
In a life
That doesn’t allow me to be what I want to be
Or where I want to be

I was reborn in Alaska
I felt tied to a place I had never been before
I feel an ache in the absence of this place already

I miss the ocean
I miss the mountains
I miss the campfires
I miss my stupid foam mattress
I miss the smell
I miss the countless beers that were drunk
I miss the schedule of having nothing to do but to play
And explore
And experience
I miss everything about Alaska

I have no doubt that I left a piece of myself there
And took a part of it with me
And I will return!

sex and relationships

it is my personal opinion that these two subjects
are two of the most intense and interesting topics to discuss
(for the most part....)

starting at a very young age
we are all guilty of thinking about and trying to figure out
these two subjects
so i find it funny that even as adults
we all are still trying to make sense of how we go about attaining and navigating through the complications of our relationships and sexual experiences.

i heard a talk on these two subjects that lasted a total of 7 weeks
it was brilliant!
and not only because of the the things i heard and learned
but because of how it all made so much sense to me and
i wanted to share with you what i believe
what i struggle with
and my experiences in finding out what it all means to me.

i believe sex is a big deal
i haven't always treated it as a big deal
but it is a big deal to me
and it happens to be a great love of mine
i simply love sex and all things attached to the word and activity
(sorry mom, but it's true) ;)
i love expressing myself sexually
exploring another person intimately
and sharing that special passion that only sex can provide

but i have found that that's where it gets tricky
at least for me
and it's proven that more women than men have more of an emotional connection to their sexual experiences
so what happens when one person connects
and the other doesn't?
you end up with what so many of us know as another notch in the belt
but nothing to show for it
and this is where the relationship struggles come in
you see, i do believe sex was meant to be shared between two people that love each other
the idea that we all have "animalistic cravings or instincts"
and it's just natural to have a lot of sex
with as many people as possible......
well, i just don't buy it anymore
i think it's just an excuse to have a lot of sex
i do believe we all, some more than others, have strong sexual desires
but to assume we are all like animals and sex is just simply sex and nothing more
is ridiculous

and i can prove it.
(i am totally plagiarizing here)
One of the men that spoke on the subject during the 7 week series i mentioned earlier
told a story about breeding his dog.
He just took his female dog
who was in heat
over to the house where a male dog was.
they just let them out in the back yard together
2 minutes later the dogs were having sex
2 minutes later they were done
and 2 minutes after that they were on their way back home
no introduction was necessary
not one of the two dogs waited by the phone the following day for a phone call
neither dog could care less about seeing the other dog again.

i don't know about you, but that does not mimic ANY of my sexual experiences
well, for the most part
(kidding again mom)

BUT COME ON, to assume we go about this amazing experience
the same way our household pets do
is just silly.

But it is also just as silly
to assume that sex can't feel good
if the two people engaging in the activity
aren't in love with each other
because it can

so where's the middle ground?
i can't sum this up for you, but this is where i land:
Sex is something that should be protected as much as possible
i think there is some truth to the idea that a piece of you will always remain with someone who has been a part of you, even if only for a moment, and shared this experience with you.

it's not a good or bad thing
it just simply rings true for me

Here is something i wrote a while back when one of my relationships ended.



Imprint

They say that when you make love to someone
A part of you
Will remain with them forever
That you exchange a part of your soul
And
A connection is made
It remains like an imprint
And so I find myself with a stamp
An imprint of you
A piece of you
That remains with me
And I feel the loss
Of me
Left with you
And I can’t take it back
It is yours forever


Forgive me
For feeling protective
Of me
My piece with you
I beg you to
Guard it
Cherish it
And be thankful for it

It was a gift
That can never be given back
Or thrown away
Or removed from you
Or me

to my jessica

So, i stumbled upon this today. I wrote it to you on September 18th of last year. Exactly one year ago from our so similar conversation this weekend!! It confirms that we ARE friends bound together by a season, where the colors go from green to orange. There's magic in the fall. :)
I love you so much.


9.18.07
i had this moment today. a flashback.
i will describe this moment: listening to Tifah, the cool breeze outside confirms that fall is on it's way...and all that crosses my mind was you. Brought me back to a time when we met and grew together in friendship...a friendship that feels as though it started long before we actually, physically met in THIS life.
let there be no doubt: i love you. no matter what. period.

painting life

I was reading through one of my old journal entries last night and I came across some thoughts that i wanted to share.

I love to paint. I sit in front of a blank canvas, spread out a dozen colors or so in front of me, pick up a paint brush, and begin to create something. Before i begin to paint, I usually have some idea of what i will be "creating". I begin with an idea and always finish with something that never looks the way I had envisioned. I usually like it more then the original idea in my mind.
Why can't we live life the same way? Be adaptable, open and trusting. Trust that no matter how things end up, even if different than planned, it can still be beautiful and worth while...and most of the time better than what we ever thought possible.

What if we could paint our life? Sit down in front of a blank canvas, pick our colors and spread them out in front of us, pick up a paint brush, and begin to paint. Paint with no expectations of what the finished product will be. Just paint. Have fun. Be creative. Let go. Find beauty that's beyond our imagination and most importantly, beyond our control.

Lake Powell--the perfect vacation

Lake Powell found me in a moment of needing to get away and have some fun. It was the perfect trip.

Well, besides our boat trailer tire blowing up on our way out there, which turned our 8-9 hour drive into like 13-14 hours. It was a long stinkin' day of driving after only 3.5 hours of sleep the night before.

Anyway, perfect trip….until our boat anchors came loose our second night out and we awoke to our boat slowly drifting in to Summer Dreams, or Dream Weaver, or Summer Breeze….whatever the hell the other boat was called. But we fixed the problem and got anchored down after we lost an engine and began to circle around in the little cove we were camping in. It was a wonderful morning.

BUT all and all still a perfect trip….even after our boat caught fire due to some electrical "issues" we were experiencing with our refrigerators. To fix this problem my brother and uncle were scaling the side of the boat and playing with wires, vacuums, and leaking beer cans. To help out and to create a little stability, I brought a jet ski over and kept it positioned in the water in such a way that they are able to stand on it for leverage. Did I mention the carp (fish) that were also taking up residence in the water all around our boat? Ah yes, the carp sucked on my legs and my feet for about 45 minutes while I provided leverage to the beer drinking, wire playing, Spiderman wanna be's tending to the problem (my brother and uncle). It was great.

The perfect vacation. Up until the time that my uncle Steve, but we call him Yeti cuz he's really hairy, had a night terror and was under the impression that everyone was falling off the boat. So, in the middle of my peaceful slumber under the stars, my uncle begins to scream at the top of his lungs, clawing his way over the others attempting to sleep, sliced open his toe, swung himself off of the deck where we were sleeping, finally crashing down onto his back which woke him up. After cleaning up the blood and calming my nerves, I had a great night sleep.

It was the perfect vacation. Mikey played Dr. Phil after a few too many tequila shots, we went "sluding" ("sluding" = sliding down the slide naked).....we even added soap and shampoo for a sense of being out of control while going down the slide naked….(BTW my uncle was nice enough to apply the soap for me one evening….but don't think about that too long cuz it's weird)....but yes, he made sure I had enough soap on my butt to go 100 mph down the slide naked. Have I mentioned the stars? We slept under the most amazing sky every night, making my night-time conversations with God very easy. We made wishes on shooting stars, swam and played in the water, allowed gravity forces to throw ourselves off the jet skis a time or two, ate good food, drank cheap beer, made fun of each other constantly, exposed all bodily parts and functions…..it really was the best vacation EVER. Action packed with adventure, drama, laughter….and even a few sweet tears. A perfect vacation that was shared with the most amazing family and friends anyone could ever ask for.

I can't wait to go back.

"have you ever been camping and woke up with a sticky butt? ya wanna go campin'?"

Note to self: never drink beer and chase it down with sleeping pills. However, if you ever find yourself in this "pickle", Monica can relate.

I miss the Bubbling Lady. ;)