sex and relationships

it is my personal opinion that these two subjects
are two of the most intense and interesting topics to discuss
(for the most part....)

starting at a very young age
we are all guilty of thinking about and trying to figure out
these two subjects
so i find it funny that even as adults
we all are still trying to make sense of how we go about attaining and navigating through the complications of our relationships and sexual experiences.

i heard a talk on these two subjects that lasted a total of 7 weeks
it was brilliant!
and not only because of the the things i heard and learned
but because of how it all made so much sense to me and
i wanted to share with you what i believe
what i struggle with
and my experiences in finding out what it all means to me.

i believe sex is a big deal
i haven't always treated it as a big deal
but it is a big deal to me
and it happens to be a great love of mine
i simply love sex and all things attached to the word and activity
(sorry mom, but it's true) ;)
i love expressing myself sexually
exploring another person intimately
and sharing that special passion that only sex can provide

but i have found that that's where it gets tricky
at least for me
and it's proven that more women than men have more of an emotional connection to their sexual experiences
so what happens when one person connects
and the other doesn't?
you end up with what so many of us know as another notch in the belt
but nothing to show for it
and this is where the relationship struggles come in
you see, i do believe sex was meant to be shared between two people that love each other
the idea that we all have "animalistic cravings or instincts"
and it's just natural to have a lot of sex
with as many people as possible......
well, i just don't buy it anymore
i think it's just an excuse to have a lot of sex
i do believe we all, some more than others, have strong sexual desires
but to assume we are all like animals and sex is just simply sex and nothing more
is ridiculous

and i can prove it.
(i am totally plagiarizing here)
One of the men that spoke on the subject during the 7 week series i mentioned earlier
told a story about breeding his dog.
He just took his female dog
who was in heat
over to the house where a male dog was.
they just let them out in the back yard together
2 minutes later the dogs were having sex
2 minutes later they were done
and 2 minutes after that they were on their way back home
no introduction was necessary
not one of the two dogs waited by the phone the following day for a phone call
neither dog could care less about seeing the other dog again.

i don't know about you, but that does not mimic ANY of my sexual experiences
well, for the most part
(kidding again mom)

BUT COME ON, to assume we go about this amazing experience
the same way our household pets do
is just silly.

But it is also just as silly
to assume that sex can't feel good
if the two people engaging in the activity
aren't in love with each other
because it can

so where's the middle ground?
i can't sum this up for you, but this is where i land:
Sex is something that should be protected as much as possible
i think there is some truth to the idea that a piece of you will always remain with someone who has been a part of you, even if only for a moment, and shared this experience with you.

it's not a good or bad thing
it just simply rings true for me

Here is something i wrote a while back when one of my relationships ended.



Imprint

They say that when you make love to someone
A part of you
Will remain with them forever
That you exchange a part of your soul
And
A connection is made
It remains like an imprint
And so I find myself with a stamp
An imprint of you
A piece of you
That remains with me
And I feel the loss
Of me
Left with you
And I can’t take it back
It is yours forever


Forgive me
For feeling protective
Of me
My piece with you
I beg you to
Guard it
Cherish it
And be thankful for it

It was a gift
That can never be given back
Or thrown away
Or removed from you
Or me

to my jessica

So, i stumbled upon this today. I wrote it to you on September 18th of last year. Exactly one year ago from our so similar conversation this weekend!! It confirms that we ARE friends bound together by a season, where the colors go from green to orange. There's magic in the fall. :)
I love you so much.


9.18.07
i had this moment today. a flashback.
i will describe this moment: listening to Tifah, the cool breeze outside confirms that fall is on it's way...and all that crosses my mind was you. Brought me back to a time when we met and grew together in friendship...a friendship that feels as though it started long before we actually, physically met in THIS life.
let there be no doubt: i love you. no matter what. period.

painting life

I was reading through one of my old journal entries last night and I came across some thoughts that i wanted to share.

I love to paint. I sit in front of a blank canvas, spread out a dozen colors or so in front of me, pick up a paint brush, and begin to create something. Before i begin to paint, I usually have some idea of what i will be "creating". I begin with an idea and always finish with something that never looks the way I had envisioned. I usually like it more then the original idea in my mind.
Why can't we live life the same way? Be adaptable, open and trusting. Trust that no matter how things end up, even if different than planned, it can still be beautiful and worth while...and most of the time better than what we ever thought possible.

What if we could paint our life? Sit down in front of a blank canvas, pick our colors and spread them out in front of us, pick up a paint brush, and begin to paint. Paint with no expectations of what the finished product will be. Just paint. Have fun. Be creative. Let go. Find beauty that's beyond our imagination and most importantly, beyond our control.

Lake Powell--the perfect vacation

Lake Powell found me in a moment of needing to get away and have some fun. It was the perfect trip.

Well, besides our boat trailer tire blowing up on our way out there, which turned our 8-9 hour drive into like 13-14 hours. It was a long stinkin' day of driving after only 3.5 hours of sleep the night before.

Anyway, perfect trip….until our boat anchors came loose our second night out and we awoke to our boat slowly drifting in to Summer Dreams, or Dream Weaver, or Summer Breeze….whatever the hell the other boat was called. But we fixed the problem and got anchored down after we lost an engine and began to circle around in the little cove we were camping in. It was a wonderful morning.

BUT all and all still a perfect trip….even after our boat caught fire due to some electrical "issues" we were experiencing with our refrigerators. To fix this problem my brother and uncle were scaling the side of the boat and playing with wires, vacuums, and leaking beer cans. To help out and to create a little stability, I brought a jet ski over and kept it positioned in the water in such a way that they are able to stand on it for leverage. Did I mention the carp (fish) that were also taking up residence in the water all around our boat? Ah yes, the carp sucked on my legs and my feet for about 45 minutes while I provided leverage to the beer drinking, wire playing, Spiderman wanna be's tending to the problem (my brother and uncle). It was great.

The perfect vacation. Up until the time that my uncle Steve, but we call him Yeti cuz he's really hairy, had a night terror and was under the impression that everyone was falling off the boat. So, in the middle of my peaceful slumber under the stars, my uncle begins to scream at the top of his lungs, clawing his way over the others attempting to sleep, sliced open his toe, swung himself off of the deck where we were sleeping, finally crashing down onto his back which woke him up. After cleaning up the blood and calming my nerves, I had a great night sleep.

It was the perfect vacation. Mikey played Dr. Phil after a few too many tequila shots, we went "sluding" ("sluding" = sliding down the slide naked).....we even added soap and shampoo for a sense of being out of control while going down the slide naked….(BTW my uncle was nice enough to apply the soap for me one evening….but don't think about that too long cuz it's weird)....but yes, he made sure I had enough soap on my butt to go 100 mph down the slide naked. Have I mentioned the stars? We slept under the most amazing sky every night, making my night-time conversations with God very easy. We made wishes on shooting stars, swam and played in the water, allowed gravity forces to throw ourselves off the jet skis a time or two, ate good food, drank cheap beer, made fun of each other constantly, exposed all bodily parts and functions…..it really was the best vacation EVER. Action packed with adventure, drama, laughter….and even a few sweet tears. A perfect vacation that was shared with the most amazing family and friends anyone could ever ask for.

I can't wait to go back.

"have you ever been camping and woke up with a sticky butt? ya wanna go campin'?"

Note to self: never drink beer and chase it down with sleeping pills. However, if you ever find yourself in this "pickle", Monica can relate.

I miss the Bubbling Lady. ;)