he calls me tickles

last night
i was explored
touched
calmed
held
and reminded to breathe

he traced the lines of my body
with only his finger
and gently layed his hands on the parts of me
that took me a while
to surrender to his touch

i giggled
and wiggled around
from the tickeling sensations shooting through my body
and the slight nervousness i felt
as it's been a while
since someone has touched me like that
he was calm
and he smiled
and called me "tickles"

it was sweet
i found myself
at one point
being so overwelmed with his sweetness
and tenderness
and care
i felt my eyes grow wet
and my heart swell
i felt like i was going to either melt away
or just die :)

dating and relationships

i don't really know where to start
so i am just going to start writing and we will see what happens, shall we?

is it safe to assume
that we are all at some point or another
looking for the same thing in relationships?
male or female
is it safe to assume that we all are looking to find someone who will love us and accept us for who we are?
and not only accept us for all the things we bring to the table
but actually like the very things that we don't like about ourselves?

assuming everyone wants the same thing
how do we go about finding this?
cause it can be confusing
and wonderful
and complicated
and fun
and scary
all at the same time
so, when that much emotion is on the line
how do you know when to jump in with both feet
or wait
or even end or leave a relationship?

i tend to always want to jump right in.
i figure, why not?
it's like trying on a pair of pants
you never really know how they fit until you put the darn things on
NO ONE would buy an expensive pair of jeans after only looking at them
or sliding only one leg in
that's silly.
you need to get both feet in there
really try them on to see if they feel right
to see if they fit

i see dating being very similar
but, lets not kid ourselves
dating and finding someone that you want to spend a lot of time with
develop a relationship with
and
eventually have sex with
is much more complicated than buying jeans

so, how do you decide to be with someone?

i offer no real good advice
i have not mastered this decision process
...not even a little

one of the things that makes it confusing for me is that "thing"
and i can't describe this "thing" as it is still a mystery to me
but if you have ever felt this "thing" you know that it can be extremely powerful
and it can also be very deceiving
for the same person who makes your tummy flip
and your heart flutter
and other bodily functions go into overdrive
may not be someone who has the ability to be with you
or love you.
so what do you do with all the flutters and "things" that happen
ignore them?
i simply can't.
rely on them solely?
i can't do that either.
so what the heck do these "things" mean?

it's enough to drive a person crazy!!!!

i know what it feels like to actually desire the taste of someone
and although i think that level of attraction is important
that can't be all there is
it can't be all that attracts you or keeps you involved with someone
there needs to be more
like a genuine liking of who they are
and who they are in the world
how they treat the people they pass on the streets
and how they make you feel (not the bodily reactions we discussed before)
but do you feel loved?
do you feel safe and protected?
are you comfortable around them?
do your core values align with theirs?
do you trust them?

AND
what happens when you meet someone that makes you weak in the knees
your tummy flip
and it's all you can do to keep from exploding when they are around
but their values are different then yours
your beliefs aren't the same
your lives, styles, attitudes, and well......EVERYTHING
are different?
is the relationship doomed from the beginning?
or is there a way to make it work?
it that "thing" worth it?
can you build a relationship based on this NEED to be with this person
even though
on paper
it appears as though you'd probably be happier with someone else?
It just makes no sense to me.


That's all i can write for now......
the only way i can think of to put an end to this blog
is to simply admit that i have no idea what i am talking about
i think relationships are among the most complicated and confusing things out there in the world
but
it is my opinion that
they are also the most amazing and rewarding investments to make

the best thing i can do....and i try to do it all the time
(sometimes i am able to and sometimes i fail miserably)
is
to just be open
love all who come my way
learn and teach the things we do when we cross paths with one another
and be grateful that i will always have "experiments" and experiences ahead of me.

i'm gonna keep trying on jeans until i find the perfect fit. :)

sometimes you just need a hug

i just simply had a rough day yesterday
it was one of those days where you struggle to keep a positive attitude
even with the strongest attempts to push through the "yuckies"
you just feel it all day long
and nothing necessarily happens in the day
to make it a bad day
it's just that feeling that follows you around
and wont let you breathe

by the time i went to bed last night i was feeling a little better
6 hours of studying...after a long day at work....had exhausted me
so i was sleepy and ready to crawl into bed
curl up to the whale pillow
close my eyes
and sleep

i woke up around 6:00 am
i woke myself up by making some very strange sounds
i could even feel the unnatural shapes my face was making
aka--the ugly cry face
but i wasn't really crying
it was one of those weird dream cries
where you are not actually crying
you are sort of just mimicking it
but once i was awake
that's when the real tears began to fall
i couldn't keep from crying
and so i wept
like a baby
scrunched up face and all.

why the tears???
i had a dream
a dream that my Dad had died
and he didn't actually die in my dream
but i was missing him after the fact
and the heaviness i felt in my heart
was enough to wake me up
and make me cry.
it hurt.

it was still dark outside
the air in my bedroom smelled fresh
and was slightly cold
but under my blankets i was warm
i laid there in my bed
and wished someone had been there with me
it was one of those moments
where you just wish someone would wrap you up
take you up into their arms
and hold you

i often find myself in a moment of "freak out"
about anything
it doesn't need to be anything specific
and the only thing that has the ability to calm me EVER
is a hug
to fall between someones arms
to feel them all around me
an embrace
a squeeze
it's all i need

it's the medicine that doesn't get prescribed enough:
TOUCH
physical contact

sometimes
most times
it makes everything better.

homeo what??????

lately i have been overwelmed.

School started again for me a couple weeks ago
and with my deadline quickly approaching
i continued on my "wine vacation" that i have been on for a couple months now
totally ignoring the piles of school work that needed to get done

i love wine.

i have tried giving myself an attitude adjustment
"GET FOCUSED" was the name of my adjustment
i keep telling myself, "i just gotta get through the next 9 months"
and then it will all be over!!!!!

So, i sit down last night to start a lecture
i put all my books, notebook, pens and highlighters out on by bed
and i am finally ready to get started
BUT, then something happened
the instructor starts in like i am supposed to know what she is talking about
she's using words and terminology that sounds familiar
but, i am not sure i understand what she's talking about
at all
i feel like screaming back at my TV, "hello lady?!?!? i've been busy drinking wine all summer!!!! i have forgotten everything i learned last year!!!!!"

so i quickly go into panic mode
for real. no joke.
i mean,
i am a relatively intelligent person
and holistic medicine is what i do!
so where have i gone wrong???
all i really want to do is throw my hands up and quit
and simultaneously
know that i will not be defeated by this!!
i am not a quitter!
so i continue on

what do i do you ask?
i RUN over to my book shelf and grab the book
this one book
that i am sure will solve all of my problems
The Idiots Guide to Homeopathy
because at this point i am even questioning if i know what Homeopathy IS
like, what am i even studying????
Homeo WHAT?
No idea.

to add to my brilliant book idea
and to begin damage control on my soon to be mental break down
i start the oils.....
i apply to various parts of my body
i sniff from the bottles like a strung out drug addict
and i start the diffusers

now i am feeling a little better

in the middle of calming myself down
i was struck by something my mom once said to me
"when in doubt or fear, just go back to what you know"
so that's what i did

i took a quick inventory of why i wanted to learn this medicine in the first place
i recalled my own struggles with health several years ago
i remembered my deep seated fear and distrust for most of western medicine and it's practitioners
i remember what it was like to offer someone hope
offer someone comfort
and help
and solutions
in the therapies i use
and believe in
and have prescribed in the past

so, now i am back.
i am ready to focus on the task at hand
i am ready to be a homeopath. :)
a homeo what????

don't ask, google it. :)

i need a glass of wine.

Alaska

I feel life crawling around
Just beneath my skin
Through my veins
Fluttering in my tummy
And rushing through my mind
It feels as though it’s searching
For a way out
To be free
And experienced
Not caged in by my physical existence
In a job
In a life
That doesn’t allow me to be what I want to be
Or where I want to be

I was reborn in Alaska
I felt tied to a place I had never been before
I feel an ache in the absence of this place already

I miss the ocean
I miss the mountains
I miss the campfires
I miss my stupid foam mattress
I miss the smell
I miss the countless beers that were drunk
I miss the schedule of having nothing to do but to play
And explore
And experience
I miss everything about Alaska

I have no doubt that I left a piece of myself there
And took a part of it with me
And I will return!