To whom it may concern

this letter is to whoever can take these requests, wishes, inquiries and demands seriously and make them happen....whether it be Santa, the tooth fairy, God, the universe, or the devil himself....

To whom it may concern,

I don't know why you have placed me in the life i have right now. Although it's not exactly where i thought i would end up, i am grateful for what i DO have, but would like there to be some adjustments in your placement of me in the year/s to come.

1. First of all, i am supposed to have a lot of money. I am not sure if you have seen my bank account lately....but it's not lookin' good, and if it has slipped your mind please do so as soon as you can. If filling my bank account with the money i need isn't possible right away, then can you please be the one to call all my delinquent accounts and explain that i will pay them as soon as i can? I'd appreciate it.
2. I'd like to thank you for my Honey Bear. She was exactly what i needed and i can't imagine having found a better puppy for me. She is perfect. Nice work.
3. I'd like to be married someday so please stop sending me amazing men that just want to be my friend. It's getting really old and frankly I'd rather be a lesbian that have another "just friends" chat. I'm ready for something real. Time for the next phase of my life, please.
4. Explain to me who Wyatt is and his purpose. Help me understand how i can love someone so much who doesn't seem to have the strength to be the man i need him to be. Help him find the words that he means to say, with complete honesty, and the clarity to know what he wants from me BEFORE he shows up at my house. K?
5. Thank you for the health of my papa. Cancer is gone and i feel much better about that. I think you made a good decision here.
6. Help my mom.
7. Protect Brie.
8. If you aren't going to give me the money i need to buy the Drano to unclog the drains in my bathroom, then please magically fix that problem because it's getting really gross.
9. Please give me the strength to take out the trash every once in a while. Camerine is getting sick of doing it all the time. And please give her the strength to put her dirty dishes in the dishwasher and her recycling in the RECYCLING BOX, not on the counter above the dishwasher. It's slightly annoying.
10. Last but not least, keep my intuition on cue and louder than ever as it will be my guiding light, once again, as i drown out the opinions of others and make the best decisions for me.

....and if it's not too much to ask, please allow me to eat all the chocolate i want and not have it add to my amazing, beautiful belly. My belly is perfect just the way it is and doesn't need any more help from the things i eat to become larger and more beautiful. Just sayin'.

If you have any questions or need any additional information re: the requests, questions and needs above, please let me know. I'll be in touch again soon.

Love always,

Lauren

life landscapes

i feel as though i have just been shot out of the starting gate..

in life.

i'm at a place in my life that i don't recognize.

i can't say i've never been here before...

it looks sort of like this:

open

no roads

no leads

no signs

like undeveloped landscape

my life awaits me

to start making some changes

choices

and planting seeds

or building pathways and bridges

that will get me where i want to go.

I feel discouraged.

it feels lonely

empty

and overwhelming.

but the opportunity to create whatever i want

with no preconceived ideas

boundaries

"tire tracks"

or "trails"

already on my "land"

is intriguing.

it could be fun

to develop my life again

from scratch.

clothing

This is something i worte years ago.... I wanted to share it. :)

"Clothing"

I sit here
Fully clothed
And long for the moment
When I can shed these clothes
And share who I am
With you, whoever you might be
To be discovered
Undress me
Remove these clothes
These boundaries
These walls and defenses
This protection
And SEE me
The real me
Not the naked body before you
But me
Look deeper then my flesh
My imperfect body
And SEE me
Feel me
Touch me
Not just my skin
But all the wonders that lay beneath
ME
My magic
My soul
My heart
My fears
My passions
You still won't find perfection here
But it is perfect...somehow...

My promise to you:
I will stay clothed
Won't share these mysteries with anyone else
Not until you

So, I will wait.
I will sit here
Fully clothed
And wait to be undressed
To finally get naked
To finally be SEEN.

magic

A quote/letter that speaks my words for me.


"Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man. Only that moon. " -from the movie Practical Magic.

Art From My Heart

Here's a blog address for my artwork. Enjoy! :)

http://artfrommyheart-la.blogspot.com

Love,
Lala

Shelter

shelter by definition:

shel·ter (shel′tər)
noun

1. something that covers or protects; protection, or place affording protection, as from the elements or danger
2. the state of being covered or protected; protection; refuge
3. That which covers or defends from injury or annoyance; a protection; a screen.
4. One who protects; a guardian; a defender.
5. The state of being covered and protected; protection; security.
6. To be a shelter for; to provide with a shelter; to cover from injury or annoyance; to shield; to protect.
7. To screen or cover from notice; to disguise.
8. To betake to cover, or to a safe place; -- used reflexively.
9. To take shelter.

Shelter

This is how you make me feel.

Protected.
Nourished.
Covered.
Surrounded.
Safe.
Defended.

Held.

At a time in my life
when pain and heartache consumed me
I sought shelter in your friendship
I indulged in your presence
and I continue to crave your company

As time does what it does best
and allows my heart to heal
I remain in this space you have created for me
by your side
and in your life
that nourishes me
teaches me
and means the world to me.

I am forever grateful
for you, my shelter, my Pete.

days like today

on days like today

when the roads are wet

the sky is grey

when rain and snow fall upon my world

i am trapped inside a mood of melancholy...

my thoughts and feelings don't spread far outside the feelings of

lonely

sad

"hungry"

for attention, love, hugs and snuggles.

on days like today
it's funny how a sweet sadness;
a romantic depression
sweeps over me
and i feel a hurt and a comforting excitement all at the same time.

on days like today
i crave my house
i crave you,
i crave you with me
in my home
in front of my fire place
under a blanket
and being completely wrapped up in you.

on this day like today
you are absent
BUT
i still have my fireplace
i still have my home
and i have plenty of blankets
to keep me warm.

on this day like today
i plan to medicate my mood with tea,
hot chocolate,
classical music,
fuzzy socks,
my favorite sweat pants,
and a book
....i may even paint something else turquoise...
and do my very best
to enjoy my day like today.

the "me" tree

Imagine me as a tree
a beautiful tree
that stands proud
weathered
but still strong with roots that run deep.

As my leaves change colors
and become loose of me and my existence
i feel relieved
i let them go
watching their new "colored" beauty
fall
and spin
to the ground
and blow in the wind.

I can feel each leaf detach.
Yes, i will miss each leaf
each and every one of them
as they were a part of me
like memories, they only existed because i did.
They were my leaves.

Although winter will find me
bare
cold
and lonely without my leaves
i will remain uncovered
and vulnerable
knowing that to place all things that were,
all things that used to be "me"
and "mine"
won't make me any warmer.
To put back on me my leaves that have died
to hold on to the things that no longer thrive
doesn't bring life back
or offer comfort...
only pain of the constant memory of what USED to be.

My only option
my choice
is to wait for "spring"
a new season
and allow new growth
new experience
and new life to start growing on me
not to replace the old
but to continue my journey of change
my evolution as a tree.

Happy October everyone. XO

turquoise "rehab"

last monday was my day
the day i reached my limit
the day i said no more
the day i started my work
my own "rehab".

i feel as though i've been walking around with a gaping hole inside of me
i'm painfully aware of my wound every moment of every single day
and i feel it's time to tend to it.

in my attempt to hide my "hole"
or pretend that it's not there
or to fill it back up again
i have turned to every thing one should NOT use to ease the feeling of hurt.

so i am committed to my own "rehab"
a healing regimen of self help
self love
and movement in other directions.

it's hard.

i feel restless.
i feel like my head is going to explode.
nighttime drives are popular with me,
helps clear my head.
i journal.
i read.
i talk. a little.
i cry.
i swim.
i shower.
i paint.
i sleep.
i pace.
i laugh.
i sing.
i scream.
i dream.
i hope.
i flex.
i tremble.

everyday is a busy day.

i ditched the cell phone.

no alcohol.

no distractions .

no men.

i even cancelled cable. NO TV!

nothin'!

just me, myself and i.

tonight i painted anything i could get my hands on
and my color of choice was turquoise.
turquoise never being one of "my" colors
i found it to be shocking
interesting
comforting.

i now have pieces of furniture, picture frames, and a plant stand that are turquoise.

Turquoise: "Love, healing, generosity, emotion, feeling , the unconscious , intuition, individual responsibility, creativity , communication, self reliance , independence. This color has more to do with feeling and creative expression than with rational thought."

random thoughts in the eye of the storm

I am in such a weird state of mind and i thought it would be so much fun to capture it in print. I hope i succeed.

Something amazing happened today. It happens sometimes when i least expect it. I sat in a moment completely aware and surrounded by MY worth. The worth i hold as a human, a woman, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a lover, a neighbor....MY worth. I am surrounded by THE most amazing people on the planet and at times i am shocked that i am lucky enough to call them my friends and family. I think i am the luckiest person alive.

MY insanity lately:
There's been so much going on in my life recently that i've been spinning inside my body, just trying to keep up with life. And somewhere in the mess of it all, today i found a calm and quiet place. I envision it being a ledge or window in the middle of a pile of muck that's out of control and busy and chaotic and loud and dirty. Not having slept much in the past few days, my "calm place" might be due to sleep deprivation, but i don't care to know the source of it. I am basking in it.
There's a crazy freedom and fun in a little insanity. I believe that we only find our true strength when we are pushed to our limit. Like a balloon. Life, strength, faith...it all stretches out and grows, gets bigger and better with each life experience we go through. I felt me stretch today.

The fine line between pleasure and pain:
I have floundered between tears and laughter so much in the past few days. I never thought that my grandpa's ear gone missing could be so funny at the same moment that the pain of one of my best friends gone missing act is breaking my heart. What a ride it is to ride the waves between two different emotions like that. It was awesome! Some people call this hysteria. I call it surfing. :)

Angels:
Amazing to me how people come into our lives at the exact moment you need them. It feels sometimes like they were out searching for you and found you just in time. Pete found me recently. I know him only by written words as i have yet to hear his voice. But he has managed to hold me together in my "pile of muck". For this i will be forever grateful.

Gatorade:
Helping my hang over. Note to self: rumplemints + beer + tequila = a killer headache and severe dehydration. And no, my insanity doesn't include an alcohol problem.

To my Wy:
I love that i love you. I love that i chose to endure my journey of loving you and experiencing you the way i have in this past year. There is so much GOOD in you. Even when your decisions don't make any sense to me at all, even when they hurt and disrespect me, i find myself in a position of unconditional love and gratitude for who you are and the friendship we have. But i am now prepared to love you, miss you, crave you, and grieve the absence of our time together as i simultaneously not offer another ounce of myself or my life to you. A piece of my heart will be yours until the day i die. I gave you that piece a long time ago and it's not something i want or can get back. It's yours. It was a gift. I didn't give it to you for something in return. My heart isn't something that can or needs to be bought. I offer my heart and my love to people because that is who i am. And i have no regrets. If i could do it all over again, i would with out any hesitation at all.

Xanex:
Thank you.

To my heart:
Thank you for being open and being able to love and show yourself despite the few bruises and scars that you wear. I feel you when you ache. I feel your every beat. I do my best to protect you, but know that even when you are left vulnerable and exposed you take care of yourself. You heal. You continue to beat. And most importantly, you continue to love. You have the ability to love and accept and trust more than any other part of my body. I am envious of your strength.

To all reading this:
Go be fabulous. Life is too short. Much love.

LOST

i sit here
with no idea where you are
or if you are okay
many times i feel unable to take in another breath
without hearing your voice.

a song found me today.
it's a song we have listened to many times before going to bed
it replays over and over again
through out the walls of my home
and in my mind.

i'm posting it here
as a prayer
a plee
a desperate cry
in hopes i get to see your sweet face soon.



If I Could Be Where You Are
-Enya

Where are you this moment?
only in my dreams.
You're missing, but you're always a heartbeat from me.
I'm lost now without you,
I don't know where you are.
I keep watching,
I keep hoping,
but time keeps us apart

Is there a way I can find you,
is there a sign I should know,
is there a road I could follow
to bring you back home?

Winter lies before me
now you're so far away.
In the darkness of my dreaming
the light of you will stay
If I could be close beside you
If I could be where you are
if I could reach out and touch you
and bring you back home

Is there a way I can find you
Is there a sign I should know
Is there a road I could follow
to bring you back home to me.

Love is messy

I love this.
It's the first page to a book i have at home. And to be honest, i've not finished the book, mainly because i can't get past this first page. I hope you enjoy it.


"Love is messy. It is rarely what we think it should be, and we are rarely what we would like to be when we are in love. On one hand we want love to be enough. Yet, on the other hand, we are rarely satisfied with the love we have. So fear and love battle it out.

We become silent when we desperately want to connect. We jump in too fast when we know we must slow down. We act cool when we feel hot. We wake up in the middle of the night to snuggle next to the one we love, yet we barely touch each other during the day. We shout in anger as we pray for patience. We put on an act, then worry we won’t be loved for who we really are. We reach out. We shut down. We run. We doubt. Yet we can’t live without it.

Love is messy. It won’t be confined to our preconceived ideas. We want love to just happen, but love is not convenient. It’s highs are higher and it’s lows are lower than we are ever prepared for. It pushes us past our breaking point, and yet we don’t break. It is unpredictable, then sedate. It tears us up while making us better. It is never what we expect. "

-Rhonda Britten

Lapis Lazuli

Today my status on facebook read: sleepy, addicted to Cheetos, and pretty sure my necklace has magical powers.

I have worn this necklace only a few times in the past week or two and each time i wear it, i am calm and happy. I have literally joked about the powers of my necklace! Well, i did some research today on the type of stone that my necklace is made from. And come to find out, it does have magical powers!!

I have used crystals to clear a space, for healing, for fashion, i've even taught on the power of crystal healing. I don't need to be sold on the idea of the energies in a stone, crystal or rock. But i have never been so effected by a stone before. I believe it found me. :)

I have included some fun info about the stone around my neck......my magical necklace.

Lapis Lazuli

A stone good for the 5th chakra. It helps to open the 6th chakra during meditations. It brings a higher guidance and intuition. It helps you to connect to the Higher Self. It helps to organize and quieten the mind and also brings self expressions, helps with dream insights, writing and creativity. It's a cooling stone, by this I mean it helps to draw fevers out of the body. It calms the nervous system, helps with anxiety and insomnia. It can sooth autism. It also aids with speech and hearing difficulties. Works best with a water cleansing or the moon

Lapis lazuli: Lapis lazuli is a gemstone of the kind that might have come straight out of the Arabian Nights: a deep blue with golden inclusions of pyrites which shimmer like little stars. This opaque, deep blue gemstone has a grand past. It was among the first gemstones to be worn as jewellery and worked on. At excavations in the ancient centres of culture around the Mediterranean, archaeologists have again and again found among the grave furnishings decorative chains and figures made of lapis lazuli – clear indications that the deep blue stone was already popular thousands of years ago among the people of Mesopotamia, Egypt, Persia, Greece and Rome.

It is said that the legendary city of Ur on the Euphrates plied a keen lapis lazuli trade as long ago as the fourth millennium B.C., the material coming to the land of the two great rivers from the famous deposits in Afghanistan. In other cultures, lapis lazuli was regarded as a holy stone. Particularly in the Middle East, it was thought to have magical powers. Countless signet rings, scarabs and figures were wrought from the blue stone which Alexander the Great brought to Europe. There, the colour was referred to as 'ultramarine', which means something like 'from beyond the sea'.

The most expensive blue of all time: The euphonious name is composed from 'lapis', the Latin word for stone, and 'azula', which comes from the Arabic and means blue. All right, so it's a blue gemstone - but what an incredible blue! The worth of this stone to the world of art is immeasurable, for the ultramarine of the Old Masters is nothing other than genuine lapis lazuli.

Ground up into a powder and stirred up together with binding-agents, the marble-like gemstone can be used to manufacture radiant blue watercolours, tempera or oil-paints. Before the year 1834, when it became possible to produce this colour synthetically, the only ultramarine available was that valuable substance made from genuine lapis lazuli that shines out at us from many works of art today. Many pictures of the Madonna, for example, were created using this paint. But in those days, ultramarine blue was not only precious and so intense that its radiance outshone all other colours; it was also very expensive. But unlike all other blue pigments, which tend to pale in the light, it has lost none of its radiance to this very day. Nowadays, the blue pigment obtained from lapis lazuli is mainly used in restoration work and by collectors of historical paints.

The stone of friendship and truth: Lapis lazuli is regarded by many people around the world as the stone of friendship and truth. The blue stone is said to encourage harmony in relationships and help its wearer to be authentic and give his or her opinion openly.

Imagine

Imagine a bucket
And it’s FULL of water
Up to the very top
And the bucket has dents and cracks
But it remains in one piece
Taking in as much water as possible
Without overflowing
Without losing the battle
Of keeping all it has been given
And all that resides inside.
If the single purpose of the bucket is to not lose the water
Not even a drop
Do you think it would matter,
Would there be a difference
If a big rock
Or a tiny stone
Were to be tossed into the bucket?
Nope
No difference at all
For the result is the exact same
OVERFLOWAGE!
Or possibly the breaking of the bucket.

crow medicine

I love crows.

I always have.

And i have only met a handful of people that don't think I'm weird for loving this bird. The caw of the crow is one of the most calming sounds to me. Can't get enough of it.

Yesterday i met some friends in the park for lunch. As i sat on the sidewalk waiting for them to arrive, 5-6 crows found their way, one by one, to a light post that hung right over me. As i watched them accumulate and as i listened to their sounds, i found myself getting lost in my moment with them. I felt as though they were coming to me, for me.

I believe in animal medicine. I have called on animal medicines many times in my life. I looked up the medicine of crow last night after getting home and it spoke to my heart as i read of it's magic.

I posted the "crow law" below. Enjoy!

Crow Law:

There is a medicine story that tells of Crow’s fascination with her own shadow. She kept looking at it, scratching it, pecking at it, until her shadow woke up and became alive. Then Crow’s shadow ate her. Crow is Dead Crow now.
Dead Crow is the Left-Handed Guardian. If you look deeply into Crow’s eye, you will have found the gateway to the supernatural. Crow knows the unknowable mysteries of creation and is the keeper of all sacred law.

Since Crow is the keeper of sacred law, Crow can bend the laws of the physical universe and “shape shift.” This ability is rare and unique. Few adepts exist in today’s world, and fewer still have mastered Crow’s art of shape shifting. This art includes doubling, or being in two places at one time consciously; taking on another physical form, and becoming the “fly on the wall” to observe what is happening far away.

The Europeans that came to Turtle Island were named the “boat people” by Slow Turtle. Even with the knowledge of alchemy possessed by certain boat people, none had ever seen the powerful shape shifting of shamans who utilized Crow medicine. Many boat people were frightened by what appeared to be animals coming into their camps or dwellings to discern their medicine. Crow medicine people are masters of illusion.
All sacred texts are under the protection of Crow. Creator’s Book of Laws or Book of Seals is bound in Crow feathers. Crow feathers tell of spirit made flesh. Crow is also the protector of the “ogallah” or ancient records.

The Sacred Law Belts, or Wampum Belts, beaded by native women long before the boat people or Europeans came to this continent, contain knowledge of the Great Spirit’s laws, and are kept in the Black Lodges, the lodges of women. The law which states that “all things are born of women” is signified by Crow.

Children are taught to behave according to the rules of a particular culture. Most orthodox religious systems create a mandate concerning acceptable behavior within the context of worldly affairs. Do this and so, and you will go to heaven. Do thus and so, and you will go to hell. Different formulas for salvation are demanded by each “true faith.”

Human law is not the same as Sacred Law. More so than any other medicine, Crow sees that the physical world and even the spiritual world, as humanity interprets them, are an illusion. There are billions of worlds. There are an infinitude of creatures. Great Spirit is within all. If an individual obeys Crow’s perfect laws as given by the Creator, then at death he or she dies a Good Medicine death — going on to the next incarnation with a clear memory of his or her past.

Crow is an omen of change. Crow lives in the void and has no sense of time. The Ancient Chiefs tell us that Crow sees simultaneously the three fates – past, present, and future. Crow merges light and darkness, seeing both inner and outer reality.

If Crow medicine appears in your card spread or physically in your life, you must pause and reflect on how you see the laws of the Great Spirit in relation to the laws of humanity. Crow medicine signifies a firsthand knowledge of a higher order of right and wrong than indicated by the laws created in human culture. With Crow medicine, you speak in a powerful voice when addressing issues that for you seem out of harmony, out of balance, out of whack, or unjust.
Remember that Crow looks at the world with first one eye, then the other – cross-eyed. In the Mayan culture, cross-eyeds had the privilege and duty of looking into the future. You must put aside your fear of being a voice in the wilderness and “caw” the shots as you see them.
As you learn to allow your personal integrity to be your guide, your sense of feeling alone will vanish. Your personal will can then emerge so that you will stand in your truth. The prime path of true Crow people says to be mindful of your opinions and actions. Be willing to walk your talk, speak your truth, know your life’s mission, and balance past, present, and future in the now. Shape shift that old reality and become your future self. Allow the bending of physical laws to aid in creating the shape-shifted world of peace.

Source: Medicine Cards: The Discovery of Power Through Animals by Jamie Sams & David Carson, illustrated by Angela C. Werneke.

sweet dreams

the dream time

is a strange time

a magical time

and i believe it's a time we have shared together

along with our awake time

i have felt us interact in our sleep

we've had conversations

said things to each other we didn't with our eyes open

and last night i felt you

you walked through my dream time

and spoke to me

at a time where silence lives between us

our dreams continue to bring you to me

to talk

to reassure

to help

so until we come back together

as friends only or otherwise

have sweet dreams.

Painting by: Bruce Eisner

earning your life

a single word has made a profound impression on me today.

Earn.

I think about the things i work for in my life and i feel that the situations, people, things and relationships i put energy into are more important to me SIMPLY because i feel as though i have earned them, worked hard to keep and maintain them. The things that are handed to me in my life often times have less value in my heart only because the labor and desire, blood, sweat and tears weren't used to attain them.

Value. Do we place more value on the things we EARN?

I think so.

From now on, i will be earned.

R.I.P

R.I.P

Lauren Anderson died today from a very painful and complicated break of her heart. She was rushed to the hospital last night with chest pain and extreme nausea after being diagnosed with loving someone who simply could not love her back. Her heart was indecisive about how to respond to treatment. A warm bath, essential oils, journaling, beer, wine, crying and conversing with friends was not able to change her mind or change the situation of her impending death. All attempts to save her heart and keep her alive had been tried before and done repeatedly. Her life could have been saved and her heart restored but she took the risk of indulging in amazing moments and loving someone completely over saving herself from the pain of the inevitable heart break. At her time of death it was reported that she felt blessed to have had the opportunity to give her heart completely one last time. She has no regrets....that's what life is all about. She looks forward to coming back to life someday soon and eventually loving again.

gypsy dreams

I want to be a hippie

a gypsy type that lives on the road and travels

to various festivals and places around the world

and sells my paintings

and other little trinkets and toys i will make and create

i have fantasies of dancing

and playing

and experiencing this world

from a perspective

and in a lifestyle

that allows me to be free

and happy

and creative

maybe i feel this way

now

in a moment of wanting to escape

my life

my current reality

OR

maybe it is a part of my spirit

a need i have

that has never been fulfilled

that needs to be

in order to feel content

in any life that should fall upon me afterwards

dancing

i remember you, dance

i remember feeling you

and experiencing you

dancing

spinning

moving

stretching

there was a time in my life

that i felt as though i was designed to move

in a dance

in a rhythm

and to a beat
and at this point in my life

it feels like a distant memory

as i don't dance

or move my body the way i used to

and it's starting to hurt

and ache

i feel desperate
in need of reconnecting
and remembering
how to move
and dance

it's a part of me i want back.

I gotta get my groove back.

Gravity

Definition of Gravity:

• Gravitation is a natural phenomenon that gives weight to objects. In everyday life, attraction due to gravity is the result of the presence of relatively large bodies, such as the Earth and the Moon.
  
• The natural force of attraction exerted by a celestial body, such as Earth, upon objects at or near its surface, tending to draw them toward the center of the body.
  
• The force of attraction by which terrestrial bodies tend to fall toward the center of the earth.
  
• Gravitation is the tendency of masses to move toward each other.


• The force of attraction between all masses in the universe; especially the attraction of the earth's mass for bodies near its surface; "gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love"--Albert Einstein

To which i answer, "Albert, gravity may not CAUSE love between two people, but the gravity force that exists between two people may be my new definition OF love."

I find that you are a source of gravity for me
you pull me in
and keep me grounded
i revolve around the center of you
like a galaxy that surrounds you
i need you to exist
to survive
for without you
nothing would make sense anymore
there would be no order
no organic, cosmic, earthly purpose or reason
to anything
at all.

I love you so much that my body aches.

a fat day

"you know you are having a fat day when your fat jeans are too tight"

today
actually, the past few days
i have been in the thick of a "fat day"
and we all have those days
and i thought it would be fun to blog about it.

i think the most frustrating and debilitating thing that about having a "fat day"
is the inability to feel beautiful...right??
so let's address what we think beauty is
or how we see beauty
or most importantly
what makes us feel beautiful
because fat day or not
if we know what beauty is to us
we will always have the ability to feel beautiful
and therefore be beautiful.

i would like to assume that beauty exists far beneath the clothes we wear
the measurements of our body
the weight that appears on the scale
or the size of our nose
the color of our skin
the length of our hair
the whiteness of our teeth
the plump feel of wrinkle free, blemish free skin
and on and on and on
i could go on forever..
but i would like to assume that real beauty lies in who we are as people
not in the people we appear to be

so what does make us beautiful?

Is it really just a state of mind?
or is there more to it than that?

I'm not writing this blog because i have anything profound to say on this subject
but because i am genuinely wanting to hear what all of you have to say...
i want to get rid of my fat day!! :)

Here are a few wise words of other women who shed some light
and inspiration...

The beauty of a woman isn't in the clothes she wears, The figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes; Because that's the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.The beauty of a woman isn't in a facial mole; But true beauty in a woman, is reflected by her soul.It's the caring that she cares to give, the passion that she shows; And the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows.

(Authorship is variously attributed to the following authors:Maya Angelou, Ralph Fenger, Audrey Hepburn & Sam Levenson)

anger

This is an old blog of mine on a different site, but a nice reminder that anger serves a purpose and can be healthy and empowering. And it too shall pass.

I feel it

My belly is hot with emotion

My face tingles

My hands are shaking

My head spins

My thoughts race

My mouth dries

I'm dizzy

I fear opening my mouth to speak

As all that may come out are screams

Of anger

Betrayal

Pain

Sadness

It grows like a disease

Constantly feeding off of it's self

And it's infectious

It spreads like fire

And it is hard to put out

Have you ever seen the evidence of a forest fire?

It leaves its evidence

In charred ground

Empty space

Death

Blackness

But do you want to know what happens afterwards?

The earth is somehow renewed

And new life begins as soon as the fire is put out

It's a method of encouraging healthy foliage

Sometimes you just have to burn off the old stuff

To find beauty

This is anger to me

A necessary emotion

To burn up all the old

And allow room for the new

So

I will let this burn in me

And when I am able to

And when it is time to

I will put out these flames

And allow new life to begin.

a tuesday blog

this is what is on my mind today.....

is it possible to make a promise
or a commitment
on accident?
without speaking it
or knowing it
until one day you are painfully aware
of the commitments and boundaries that exist
around you and in you
that you didn’t make
but your heart
or your spirit made
without your permission
without even asking you first!!!

this has recently happened to me.
and it actually hurt when the boundaries were crossed
and I didn’t even know they were there.

so, it has me thinking about all promises and commitments we make. Can you really be fully committed to anything if your heart doesn’t first, or at least at some point, make the same promises your head makes and your mouth speaks?

if we can’t actually feel the pain of breaking the promise, then should we have made the promise to begin with? maybe the only real boundaries, promises, and commitments are the ones that are made from way down deep inside of us that we, our physical bodies, don't choose....maybe the real commitment is born from a place that we don't have any logical control over.