a roller coaster ride

Pretend you are on a roller coaster.
You know that feeling you get just as you reach the top of the first big climb…just before you start to fall? Or that feeling you get in the pit of your tummy as you CLIMB? It's a strange combination of excitement and fear. As you climb, you are already committed to the ride. There’s nothing you can do at that point to prevent whats about to happen. So, you prepare yourself to fall, and YOU have the choice of how you are going to respond. You can either become stiff with emotion, hold your breath, close your eyes, and hunker down in your seat...OR...you can take a deep breath, throw your hands in the air, let go of the anticipation of whats to come, and go with the flow.

I've had moments when i lift my hands from the bar in front of me, feel my belly relax, and let the ride throw me around. When i am able to do that, i enjoy the ride instead of feeling like i have survived it. If you think about it, even in the scariest of descents, the tracks you are riding always catch you and bring you back up for more.

Life is the same sometimes.

It feels like you are in the middle of the “big climb” to me. You know that more change is on its way to you. You can prepare yourself for the peaks and valleys that lay in front of you. You can count on the "ride" throwing you around a little. You just have to decide how you are going to respond to whats happening and whats to come. My wish for you: let go, lift your hands to the sky, take a deep breath, and ride the tracks. Trust that life will catch you and bring you back up.

Another fact about riding a roller coaster is you are never on the ride alone. Someone is strapped in beside you, behind you, and in front of you. If you find yourself in a moment of closing your eyes, holding on too tight, screaming, and being afraid....please trust that i will take your hand, loosen your grasp, and help you let go. When you forget to breathe, i will remind you. And if i am not able to do that for you, trust that the others that surround you will.

My letter to Santa Claus

Dear Santa,

Oh how i have missed you. It has been roughly 25 years since i've written to you. I've been busy growing up. I am 31 years old now. We have just recently had our first snow fall and it is cold and beautiful outside. My Christmas tree is already up, as it is every year right after Halloween, and holiday music and movies are all i want to listen to and watch. This is absolutely my favorite time of year.

I stumbled upon memories today that made me miss being a kid. I remember when i had 100% faith that you existed. The magic and wonder that filled me when i'd think about you and wait for your arrival was so profound, that i long to feel that excitement and magic again in my adult life. The possibility of people and things existing somewhere out in lands and places that only our imaginations can see...is so incredible to me. I want to believe in you again.

I know magic thrives in places around the world and in tucked away places within each and everyone of us, but no one believes anymore. Not in you, not in anything, i fear.

This is my promise to you, Santa: that part of me that so innocently and helplessly believes in all things good, wonderful and kind; the part that celebrates and laughs; the part of me that will remain a child forever, i will encourage this part of me and help it grow to be larger than the grown up and realistic me.

In the meantime, i am putting a Christmas wish-list together for you. Anything you can do, i'd appreciate. I'll leave some cookies out. :)

Much love to you and the Mrs,

Lauren

all my love

oh how i love you!
you are a constant comfort
a forever friend
that never lets me down
and is always there for me when i need you.

you provide support
and tremendous relief from the stresses i carry
and the truth is
i don't know what i'd do without you.
without you in my life
my body, heart, and soul
would not be the same.

that's right, king size bed, i am completely in love with you.
and i currently miss you so much.

until we meet again later tonight,
you will be on my mind.

all my love,
lauren

alabama alabama

alabama
alabama
what can i say
you have one of my best friends
and i don't like it this way

he sought you out for a real adventure
of fine tuning the eats you eat
but i miss him more than anything
way more than i miss eating meat

if you shower him with love
and the experience he needs to grow
i will be forever grateful
even though he misses the snow

i will try to be patient
until he comes back around
but you better make it quick
i'm about to hit the ground

alabama
alabama
this is my final plea
please take care of adam
i am on bended knee

:) love you buddy, miss you like crazy.

Lovely October

This is a blog i wrote last year. But today being the first day of October, i felt the need to re-post it. :) I hope you enjoy it.

Imagine me as a tree
a beautiful tree
that stands proud
weathered
but still strong with roots that run deep.

As my leaves change colors
and become loose of me and my existence
i feel a relief
of letting them go
and watching their new colored beauty
fall
and spin
to the ground
and blow in the wind.

I can feel each leaf detach.
Yes, i will miss each leaf
each and every one of them
as they were a part of me
like memories, they only existed because i did.
They were my leaves.

Although winter will find me
bare
cold
and lonely without my leaves
i will remain uncovered
and vulnerable
knowing that to place all things that once were,
all things that used to be "me"
and "mine"

back onto me
won't make me any warmer.
To put back on me my leaves that have died
to hold on to the things that no longer thrive
doesn't bring life back
or offer comfort...
only pain of the constant memory of what USED to be.

My only option
my choice
is to wait for Spring
a new season
and allow new growth
new experience
and new life to start growing on me
not to replace the old
but to continue my journey of change
my evolution as a tree.

Happy October everyone. XO

"There is a story about the Greek Gods.
They were bored, so they invented human beings.
But they were still bored, so they invented love.
Then they weren't bored any longer.
So, they decided to try love for themselves..
and finally, they invented laughter, so they could handle it."
-Morgan Freeman

the feeling of surviving
the struggle to breathe
the fight to believe
the resistance to faith
the thoughts of fear
the loss of contentment
the fact of loss
the reality of doubt
the song of tears
the isolation
the lack of hope
the hope for joy
the daily trial
the dreams
and
the lesson in it all....

is hard.

nothing at all

i've been staring at my computer screen for hours.
i want to write. it's what i do. it makes me feel better.
writing organizes my mind.


but today
i get a few words down, maybe a few sentences at most, and then i erase it all.
everything i write feels redundant to me.
i fear that maybe i've run out of words.
all the words to describe the thoughts and feelings currently swimming around in my body,
i have already written them.


i have written them over and over again.


so what do you say when you don't know what to say?
nothing at all.

a year ago shadow

Woah.
Last night i was slammed into a memory.
The memory of the pain i felt the week that "he" went missing.
I didn't know where it came from.
I realized tonight that it was a year ago from this week that i was dragged through that experience.

Ugh.

Worst week of my life.

I remember randomly collapsing onto the floor, screaming. While trying to simply function in my life i would fall and fumble to the floor in sheer sadness and pain.

My sister, Camerine, would hold me in her arms just to keep me from convulsing out of my body.

I relied on "Marlboro Light Therapy" because smoking was the only proof that i was breathing.

Brushing my teeth felt like the most unnatural thing to do.....how could i be expected to brush my teeth and go through my nightly routine of putting myself to bed when "he" was gone?

My night time was torture. I tossed and turned and often times took multiple showers a night just to calm down.



I spent an evening at the ball fields with some of "his" friends. On my way home a song came on the radio....and that is literally the last thing i remember until i found myself on the front walkway of "his" apartment building. I fell apart. I would have stayed there forever probably, except my family orchestrated a surprise visit to come pick me up and drive me back home.


I felt so lost.
My family gathered and discussed a plan of attack of what to do with me if "he" was found and wasn't ok.
I couldn't imagine a life without him. I guess i still can't. And they knew that.


UGH.

Anyway, didn't want to dive too much into the memories. Just wanted to share my "anniversary" moment. It is evidence that the feelings we feel, the experiences we have, never really leave us. Memories will always fall on us like shadows that overlap our present attendance in life. I feel we should honor those shadows that fall upon us with dignity and humility...we wouldn't be who we are without each and every one of them.

I need you

Folks Fest 2010

our picture with Ellis!!

Words to describe this past weekend:

love
music
lyrics
pictures
love
dance
laughter
hugs
friends
family
hope
relaxation
sunshine
life
creek
joy
love
love
love


the folks festival has turned into a family tradition. we have been going for 20 years now, since the very first folks festival, with very few festivals missed. it is our time to be together for 3 days and reconnect with our own hearts and each other....and most importantly, the hippie that lives within us all. we go to bed late every night, wake up early every morning, wear our hippie clothes, eat delicious food, drink beer of all kinds, and shop. it truly is a magical place and provides nothing short of a magical experience.


the musicians that play here are among some of the most talented musicians i have ever run across in my love and search for wonderful music. while the beat and lyrics echo through the canyon walls, they penetrate me completely, allowing for life changing experiences to happen within me every 2.5 seconds. i absorb every word; every lyric. they fill me with hope and bring me to a place of gratitude unlike anything else is able to do.


there were songs that made me cry. there were songs that made me laugh. but all the songs, minus the songs and voice of Greg Brown, made me feel alive. it's hard to feel anything other than life when you have emotions running through your veins faster than your own blood...and sitting on a tarp, in beautiful Lyons, CO, with my family and friends, that is exactly what it feels like. suddenly you are not kept alive by your own heart beat pumping blood through your body. your heart beat is replaced by the beat of a drum and it pumps through you this emotional and soulful nectar called music. it is an unbelievable feeling.


because today is monday, i am officially in "folks festival hangover". i am tired, i am happy, i feel chemically changed by my time and experience there, and all i want to do is go back. i wish i could bottle it all up so i can open the bottle and pour it all over me when i need to...just so i don't lose this feeling or stray too far from my gained perspective and happiness.

my "life tank" is all filled up. thanks to all who shared this weekend with me. i am so blessed.
love and light to all!! XO

comparing heart break

is it really fair?
isn't it all relative?

i think something magical happens when you hurt out loud
people can identify with you
and you are not alone
because we have all hurt
we have all cried
we have all ached
and we have all suffered.

to say someone has hurt more than another is unfair
false
and, in my opinion, mean.
it dishonors someone as a human being.

happiness and hurt are a universal language
something we ALL can understand.

we gain perspective from each other's stories.
we gain perspective from seeing other people happy, even in horrific circumstances.
we gain perspective by sharing and being compassionate.
that's the point.
we are not supposed to judge and compare.
there is no magic there.

that's all i have to say about that.

the wooden spoon

there is something comforting

and wise

about a wooden spoon.

it stirs cidars and soups

pushes and mixes meats and vegetables

drains liquids and sauces

pokes and smashes potatoes and delicious roots.

it gets rinsed

washed

and set out to dry

then placed back where it belongs

front and center on my kitchen counter

where i envy it's beauty

and envy it's strength.

it's a part of our culinary experiences

it adds to each meal what the other spoons

and spatulas

can not.

there is no substitute for a wooden spoon.

it's more natural and holistic than it gets credit for.
it's made from the earth.
it gets carved, shaped, sanded, oiled
and ends up in our homes
as a utensil
but really more as a family member.
you don't just HAVE a wooden spoon
you OWN a wooden spoon.

it's beautiful to me.
it brings me comfort.
it makes me WANT to cook
just to spend time with it.
it grounds me
makes me feel like a real woman
a beautiful woman.
a beautiful woman, in her kitchen, with a marvelous wooden spoon.

phone wars

i pick up my phone,

i put it back down.

i pick up my phone,

i slam it back down.

i pick up my phone,

i throw it back down.

i pick up my phone,

and i scream.



i hate when i fight with my phone.

Love is all that matters

So many things occupy our minds and our lives. We stress over financial obligations. We stress about the cleanliness of our homes. We stress about the economy. We stress about politics. We stress about our health. We stress about everything we encounter in our daily lives. I have had minutes, hours, days, or months ruined due to a horrible driver on the road, overpaying for something at the grocery store, loosing a job or fighting with a friend. I'm not saying that these things aren't valid or worth concern, but what i am saying is that if our perspective could remain on what is truly important, life would probably be a lot easier for us all.

I believe that we are here on this earth to learn nothing other than how to love. I believe we are here on this earth to experience love in all it's many forms. I believe life IS love, and to live a life without love is not really living a life at all.

Almost a week go Deandra Trevino Salem passed away from ovarian cancer.

I did not have the privilege of knowing Deandra as a friend. We have many friends in common, and i knew her husband, Luke, in high school....but i feel like i have lost someone so close to my heart.

I have followed her blog and other personal writings over the past couple years. I've been asked several times if i knew Deandra. Such a hard questions to answer, because my first reaction is, "YES!". I feel like i knew her very well. I feel like i have just lost a good friend of mine, and yet we have not shared any personal time together.

Her story and life ended in the arms of Luke. I try to imagine what that must have felt like for Luke. I can only imagine how painful it must have been, as well an incredible blessing it was to be with her until the very end. After reading the goodbyes, obituary, and talking with friends of ours, I am brought to my own deep and soulful yearning and ache of what this means for me: Love is all that matters.

I think all of us have something to learn from Luke and Deandra. Not just Deandra's fight for life, but for Luke's love and commitment while she fought. Perfection does not exist in any relationship or person, but not many people CHOOSE to love each other so perfectly. Luke and Deandra did.

My prayers go out to Luke, both their families, and the many friends they have.

My hope for everyone reading this: go be with the ones you love. put the phone down. take an afternoon off from work. stop cleaning. go be with the ones you love. make the effort to reconnect with your husband or wife. play with your kids. call an old friend. seek out whatever and whoever brings love and happiness to you. go experience all that really matters in this life - Love.

T R U S T

today i woke up feeling so unsettled.

i hate feeling unsettled.

the past two weeks have been both trying and therapeutic as i have exercised my ability to truly trust. i've actually exceeded my own expectations. i have been calm, positive, optimistic, even excited. but not today. today i feel fear. extreme panic has set in. so i'm mantra-ing myself today; mantra-ing the crap out of myself ALL DAY LONG.

the only way to silence fear is to trust.

trust. i am exactly where i should be right now.

trust. absolutely everything happens for a reason.

trust. the universe always supports our greatest good.

trust. we are all capable of manifesting our dreams, it just takes longer than a week or two; be patient.

trust. trust. trust. trust.

trust.

trust.

trust.

everything will be ok-trust.

trust.

all together now: trust.

trust. trust. trust. trust.

my vow; my life

Life continues to throw things my way, not the warm fuzzy things and feelings we all pray for, but the not so great circumstances that we all dread. On top of my already hectic and strange reality, i now find myself without a job and in the process of trying to find a place to live. The thought that i don't have a job and may find myself living out of my car with my puppy and two birds (soon to be 7 birds due to Mo and Moxie deciding NOW was a great time to make some babies) is slightly overwhelming.

But, as always, in the middle of a shit storm, i find clarity. Or maybe i am in fact crazy and basking in chaos and insanity IS what i do best.

I believe it is true that when you find yourself at a dead end, it's time to find a different road; a new path to walk; a new journey to begin.

I have been traveling a road that is in dire need of repair, as it has been bumpy, to say the very least. And in my search for my different road to walk, ride, or run down, i am surprised at my attitude in choosing which one to take. I no longer want to have a job that simply pays my bills; i want to have a job that i LOVE. I no longer want to live in the urgency and demand and NOISE that fills most of our lives; i want to live a life that is different. I don't want to work my fingers to the bone and put in countless hours per week at work just to make a few extra bucks; i want to live a life that is simple, overflowing with opportunity and freedom.

Does everyone want this? I know it might sound crazy and boastful, but i feel like that is the life i was destined to live. I do not feel that there is anything ordinary about my life, but a small part of me believes that i was not meant for mediocracy. For the first time in a long time, maybe ever, i feel ready to step beyond limitations and the "to do list" of adult responsibility and truly find out what it feels like to be alive.

What being alive and living MY fated life looks like, i don't exactly know yet as the details are still being worked out and revealed to me everyday. I may still end up living in my car with a cocker spaniel and 7 finches, but i am here to solemnly vow that i WILL figure it out. I will be writing again soon.

Sleep well everyone.
Goodnight moon.

a hair cut is never just a hair cut

i have recently cut my hair.
what i received was not a healthy trim
i chopped it all off.
this was not by mistake
it was entirely on purpose.

the loss of my hair
was the shedding of my identity
the release of a security blanket
and more importantly
an analogy for my life right now.

the back of my hair hardly reaches my shoulders
which is the shortest it's been since the age of 6 when 2 of my also 6 year old friends decided to cut my hair for me.
i hardly recognize myself
and it feels weird
as i am used to a mass amount of hair surrounding me at all times
it feels like my body is exposed.

i needed a change
i needed a release
so i let it all go, my hair that is.

my feelings towards my new hair do
run parallel to how i feel about my life.

i don't recognize myself
i don't feel like myself
once i felt like so much surrounded me
and now
i feel nothing at all
i feel short
almost invisible
like everything has been cut away from me
all security blankets gone
and i feel completely exposed.

although i expected to panic from the drastic change of my hair
i actually find so much comfort in it.

i feel like i am on a journey with my hair
my massive hair cut might be the only thing i can relate to right now
as we are both adjusting
changing
growing
and getting used to the loss of the existence we once knew.

it brings me hope that as my hair grows
i will too.
it's hard to gauge time and growth when you're in the middle of life
but now i have a physical representation of what i'm going through
the progress i make
and the time that passes
even when it's hard to notice everyday what's happening.
just as my hair, six months from now i hope i look and feel different too.

so, i continue my journey
but i am not alone...
WE have started our journey
me and my hair
we will grow
together
simultaneously.

i look forward to having my hair back
and i also look forward to getting myself back
even if i have to grow me back
inch by inch
and one day at a time.

My Dad

my dad has cancer.

it still feels weird for me to say.
my dad isn't supposed to have cancer.
im so angry.

i'll try to paint a picture of what life has been like over the past couple of weeks.

my dad is finalizing his will.
my dad ordered a DNR bracelet that he will wear from now on.
he's meeting with lawyers.
he visits the doctors.
he is starting special projects so he is sure to leave all of us kids with a wood working masterpiece that he made.
me and my brother and sisters are going through items in his house, getting rid of some, and cherishing others.
he's planning time, trips, and adventures so we are left with special memories.
he's planning out how he wants to spend the last months/years of his life.

he had a conversation with me tonight. he looked me straight in the face and said, "it'll be ok sweetie, i'm not afraid to die anymore. i won't be gone, i'll just be something different."

as his daughter, these words were felt at the depths of my soul.
how confusing it is to be comforted by his calm state of mind, and completely destroyed by it as well.

is it wrong that i don't feel the same way?
i am his daughter!
i may not be 10 years old, but i very much still need and want my dad!
for cryin' out LOUD!!!

the little things break my heart the most.
when the day comes that i get married, i want my dad to be there.
IF one day i have children, i want them to know and love their grandpa.
not a single part of me is ok with the idea of him not being with me.

but maybe it's true.
maybe he will be here, watching, smiling, crying, yelling, and coaching me in my life,
as something entirely different,
but still as my dad.

my mom was in a car accident not too long ago.
i could have lost my mom,
but i didn't.
and i wonder which is worse.
to have a loved one yanked from your life, with no warning at all, no last minute trips, no parting words.....just silence.
or to plan for the death of a loved one, to have the conversations, say the things and spend the time that some people didn't have the option to say or do.

both are morbid and horrible and it's not like we really have a choice anyhow.

truth is, i think death can be beautiful.
but i'm having a hard time tapping into my spiritual self at the moment,
because right now, i don't think there is anything beautiful about losing my dad.

but this isn't something i can argue with,
reason with,
beg and plead to,
throw things at,
hit...really hard,
i can't ignore it,
i can't stop it,
i can't change a single thing about my dads cancer.

so i live it.
i live with it.
i cry.
i have the conversations.
i will make the arrangements.
i will plan the trips.
i will put a smile on my face and enjoy every moment i spend with him.....until he becomes something else.

A new beginning at 31

Today is my 31st birthday.
And for my 31st birthday i got a new tattoo.
It's a symbol. A Zibu Angelic Symbol.

Here is a picture of my tattoo.....

This symbol means "Begin Anew"

The blessing of the symbol:

"We invite you to begin Anew by stepping through the threshold of Truth. The Truth holds the answers for you and will set you free. The new life you are invited to embrace is filled with blessings and love and compassion. As you embrace these qualities, doors will open for you. Your path will become more clear. Your vision will not be clouded any more."

This spoke to me. What i want is a fresh start. ANEW perspective. ANEW frame of mind. ANEW outlook. As i turn 31 and start my 32nd year of life on this planet, i am in a position of beginning NEW things, NEW life, NEW experiences, and placing a lot of things, people, and memories behind me. Not in an attempt to forget them, but to remove all things from my past out of my sights so i can focus on where i am headed and what i want VS where i have been.

Here's to beginning anew!

Love to all of you. XO

hunger

i can't escape it.
the unfulfilled
empty
and "hungry" feeling i have.


have you ever craved chocolate?
you know the craving if you've had one.
it's intense.
and in my attempts to satisfy the craving
i search through my pantry
browse my refrigerator
while eating the things i THINK might satisfy me
BUT what ends up happening is i taste
and nibble
on just about everything i have to eat
and STILL feel hungry
as my craving has not been satisfied.


that is how i feel
but YOU are my chocolate.
i live my life
i enjoy my life
i have much to be thankful for
and
i LOVE my life
but there is a constant hunger i have
that has yet to be satisfied
since you went away.


i'm hungry
for you.
i'm frustrated
with you.
i miss
you.
i remember
everything.
i can't escape
you.
i'm still in love
with you.
and i hate it.

Faith

Definition of Faith:

1. Confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing.
2. Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.
3. Loyalty to a person or thing; allegiance: keeping faith with one's supporters.
4. A set of principles or beliefs.

Having Faith is hard for me sometimes. To me, it ultimately means that to have faith, you trust. And you trust with no evidence, reason, fact, and most of all...no fear.

Again, hard for me.

I have come to some pretty firm spiritual beliefs. Those firm beliefs are: I believe in God. Why? Don't know. I have no hard evidence, no hard proof, and i can't debate with those that don't believe. I believe because it's something i feel inside of me, and outside of that, i got nothin'.

But FAITH is a big deal and a hard act outside of spiritual beliefs too.

I don't always have faith in my ability to do something. I don't always have faith in people. I don't always have faith, period.

But i want to.

How do we build faith? How do we choose faith over fear, logic and experience? How do we choose to surrender to someone or something, and trust? I know it can be done because i have felt and seen it happen before.

I want to learn how.

My Dragon

i had a dragon once.

he was beautiful

fierce

strong

loyal

sensitive

and protective of me.

he was my best friend.

from the very first moment we "chose" each other

i knew i was in for the ride of my life.

he was different from anything i had ever encountered before.

he carried me through some amazing experiences

many emotions

lonely nights

little adventures

stomach cramping laughter

tears

heartache

comfort

and

he challenged me.

and

i enjoyed him.

my life will forever be changed

by our connection to one another

and i will remain grateful

for my whole life

for him

and the things we shared.

but as all good things must come to an end

our time together has.

at least for now.

i do not say goodbye in anger

or frustration

or regret

but in understanding

that we can not hold each other up any longer.

the load has become too heavy

and i feel we have both snapped.

i will love you forever, dragon

but it's time for you to fly.

the me map

Have you ever had a place you really wanted to go?

A location you haven't been before

but a location that has enticed you and jump started your curiosity?

I have.

And i have experienced people just the same.

When you are in place that's unfamiliar to you

and you wish to find your way around,

you buy a map.

The map doesn't give away the things you will find on your journey

or the experiences you will have

but it gives you guidance so you don't lose your way

or end up somewhere you don't want to be.

When you venture into a place you haven't been before

and you are following a map

it's easy to get so focused on what you want to see and where you want to go

that often times we don't experience and enjoy

the scenery

and the small places we pass through in getting there.

Just as visiting an unknown destination

people deserve the same amount of attention.

I have a map of me.

There are roads that haven't been explored before,

and roads that are over driven and in need of repair.

There are places inside of me that haven't been tended to in a while

or taken care of.

There are parts of me that are prettier than others.

There are places inside of me that can't be dimmed, damaged or ruined with time or circumstance,

and other places that have been destroyed and won't ever be the same.

Here's what i wish for:

I want someone to come to me

open me up,

lay me out,

and explore me.

LIKE A MAP.

Visit each part of my being.

Search the caves,

walk the trails,

and drive the roads of my emotional and mental world

as well as the physical body that cages me.

Have no judgement on my imperfections

and enjoy the beauties of me,

the mysteries that will never be understood,

and the wonders that have no reason at all.

There is much to be discovered and explored.

Currently,

I am waiting for someone brave enough to take the trip.

what goes up, CAN come down

Its amazing to me that our progress in life

or love

isn't felt

or isn't clear

until you are placed into a situation

where you can compare where you have been

to where you find yourself.

I didn't know how far away i was from you

and how far beyond my heartache i had reached

until i had you next to me again.

ALL of you will forever be familiar to me

and yet our time together felt unfamiliar

as i remain distant and a little weary.

I felt imaginary barriers and brick walls surrounding me

protecting me

and possibly also protecting you

from us colliding into each other again.

The brick wall that i have built

was put up one brick at a time

with very specific intentions

purpose

and reasons that i shouldn't have to explain to you.

I trust in it's purpose.

And i will leave it where it stands

until YOU

NOT me

dismantle it

one brick at a time

carefully, tenderly, and with intention

just as i put it up.

I can only pray you have what it takes to reach me again. XO

i see you

I have seen Avatar twice. For those of you who haven't seen this movie yet, need to immediately.

The story is, among so many other things, a love story about two people that come from two completely different worlds. Their ways of living and existing and loving and understanding are so different from one another and yet, they fall in love. He is a marine veteran that comes from our world. And she is part of the Navi people that live on a planet called Pandora, where the people believe in and experience the connection between everything that surrounds them: the trees, plants, animals, each other, and their creator/higher power. It was an incredibly spiritual experience for me watching them pray, interact, and live together in this far away land. I want to live there.

Throughout the movie they often used an expression, "i see you".

I see you. They say this to one another as a way of acknowledging each other, letting each other know that they SEE them; who the ARE, the things they stand for, their inner being and inner beauty. To really SEE someone means that your vision pushes past the physical body that you see with your eyes and you SEE someone with your heart and soul.

These three words are so profound to me. I would even venture to say that I'd rather someone tell me they "see me" than they "love me". In fact, "i see you" is harder for me to believe than "i love you". I know a lot of people love me, but truly wonder how many people SEE me. And vise versa. I wonder if i actually SEE all the people that i love. These simple three words have me questioning all i ever known about love and the relationships i have. Woah. It makes me dizzy.

...and i can laugh

I am strong because i am weak.
I am beautiful because i know my flaws.
I am a lover because i am a fighter.
I am fearless because i have been afraid.
I am wise because i have been foolish.
And i can laugh because i have known sadness.


....and i can laugh because i have known sadness.

this is how i feel today.
in the midst of being so sad recently, i love the days where my light shines through and i feel content. it's a powerful reminder that things change, progress, and get better even if we aren't actively doing anything to spur on the process...because sometimes there's not much we can do. time will always do what it does: give us space. give us perspective. give us opportunity. and give us hope.

i have a feeling way down deep in my soul, that time will be my best friend and my worst enemy in the next 6 months or so....maybe even my whole life. and knowing in advance how IMPATIENT i am, i know that the roller coaster ride that i've been on isn't going away.....or even slowing down. so i'm strapping on my seat belt and preparing for a bumpy ride. i've warned all my major bodily organs, especially my heart, and i feel ready to endure all of it......all because of days like today.

i trust me more than anyone else on the planet, and to feel me gearing up with excitement and clarity is a precious and amazing moment.

woven

It's hard sometimes
to experience things that make us grow

and learn.

and it's easy

to get so focused on the experience alone

that we lose sight of the larger picture,

the picture that shows us that we are so much more.

we are more than one experience

one moment

or one relationship

we exist

as something that's woven together by everything we go through.

all of our experiences

all of our moments

all of our heartbreaks and triumphs

all of our relationships

they all come together to create who we are

and create the life we live.

i love knowing that you were a part of my "weave"

to remove the threads of you

would change me

and my life

and for as much as it hurts sometimes that i can still see you

my life,

my existance,

and my future experiences will only be more beautiful

because of the colors and texture you have added to me.

so instead of hating you for the rest of my life

this is my attempt

to actually thank you.

Thanks.

Dark Nights of the Soul

Here is a quote from the book Dark Nights of the Soul, by Thomas Moore. It speaks to my heart and i wanted to share it.

"To chose not to love is to chose not to live. Everyone needs to love and be loved. You surrender, and the spell descends, and you get swept away into days and nights of fantasy, memory, longing, and a sensation of loss, perhaps the end of freedom and of a comfortable life. Even if you have had many experiences of painful and unsuccessful love, you don't give up on it. The soul so hungers for love that you go after it, even if there is only the slightest chance of succeeding.

"Some people give up on love, and you see the lifelessness in their faces. The soul craves love, and if you give up on love because it is so difficult, the life will seep out of you like air out of a punctured tire. You will go flat. You may wonder why life has no meaning. You may not realize that meaning is love, and it is love that gives life it's shape and purpose.

"Clearly, love is not about making you happy. It is a form of initiation that may radically transform you, making you more of who you are but less of who you have been. If you don't realize that you are walking on coals and running the gauntlet and surviving the wilderness in quest of a vision--all within the confines of a simple human relationship-- you could be undone by it. Love gives you a sense of meaning, but it asks it's price. It will make you into the person you are called to be, but only if you endure it's pains and allow it to empty you as much as it fills you."

my borrowed quote of the day

"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I'm out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
-Marilyn Monroe

This about sums up my thoughts for the day. I'll write more this week.