My Dad

my dad has cancer.

it still feels weird for me to say.
my dad isn't supposed to have cancer.
im so angry.

i'll try to paint a picture of what life has been like over the past couple of weeks.

my dad is finalizing his will.
my dad ordered a DNR bracelet that he will wear from now on.
he's meeting with lawyers.
he visits the doctors.
he is starting special projects so he is sure to leave all of us kids with a wood working masterpiece that he made.
me and my brother and sisters are going through items in his house, getting rid of some, and cherishing others.
he's planning time, trips, and adventures so we are left with special memories.
he's planning out how he wants to spend the last months/years of his life.

he had a conversation with me tonight. he looked me straight in the face and said, "it'll be ok sweetie, i'm not afraid to die anymore. i won't be gone, i'll just be something different."

as his daughter, these words were felt at the depths of my soul.
how confusing it is to be comforted by his calm state of mind, and completely destroyed by it as well.

is it wrong that i don't feel the same way?
i am his daughter!
i may not be 10 years old, but i very much still need and want my dad!
for cryin' out LOUD!!!

the little things break my heart the most.
when the day comes that i get married, i want my dad to be there.
IF one day i have children, i want them to know and love their grandpa.
not a single part of me is ok with the idea of him not being with me.

but maybe it's true.
maybe he will be here, watching, smiling, crying, yelling, and coaching me in my life,
as something entirely different,
but still as my dad.

my mom was in a car accident not too long ago.
i could have lost my mom,
but i didn't.
and i wonder which is worse.
to have a loved one yanked from your life, with no warning at all, no last minute trips, no parting words.....just silence.
or to plan for the death of a loved one, to have the conversations, say the things and spend the time that some people didn't have the option to say or do.

both are morbid and horrible and it's not like we really have a choice anyhow.

truth is, i think death can be beautiful.
but i'm having a hard time tapping into my spiritual self at the moment,
because right now, i don't think there is anything beautiful about losing my dad.

but this isn't something i can argue with,
reason with,
beg and plead to,
throw things at,
hit...really hard,
i can't ignore it,
i can't stop it,
i can't change a single thing about my dads cancer.

so i live it.
i live with it.
i cry.
i have the conversations.
i will make the arrangements.
i will plan the trips.
i will put a smile on my face and enjoy every moment i spend with him.....until he becomes something else.