a hair cut is never just a hair cut

i have recently cut my hair.
what i received was not a healthy trim
i chopped it all off.
this was not by mistake
it was entirely on purpose.

the loss of my hair
was the shedding of my identity
the release of a security blanket
and more importantly
an analogy for my life right now.

the back of my hair hardly reaches my shoulders
which is the shortest it's been since the age of 6 when 2 of my also 6 year old friends decided to cut my hair for me.
i hardly recognize myself
and it feels weird
as i am used to a mass amount of hair surrounding me at all times
it feels like my body is exposed.

i needed a change
i needed a release
so i let it all go, my hair that is.

my feelings towards my new hair do
run parallel to how i feel about my life.

i don't recognize myself
i don't feel like myself
once i felt like so much surrounded me
and now
i feel nothing at all
i feel short
almost invisible
like everything has been cut away from me
all security blankets gone
and i feel completely exposed.

although i expected to panic from the drastic change of my hair
i actually find so much comfort in it.

i feel like i am on a journey with my hair
my massive hair cut might be the only thing i can relate to right now
as we are both adjusting
changing
growing
and getting used to the loss of the existence we once knew.

it brings me hope that as my hair grows
i will too.
it's hard to gauge time and growth when you're in the middle of life
but now i have a physical representation of what i'm going through
the progress i make
and the time that passes
even when it's hard to notice everyday what's happening.
just as my hair, six months from now i hope i look and feel different too.

so, i continue my journey
but i am not alone...
WE have started our journey
me and my hair
we will grow
together
simultaneously.

i look forward to having my hair back
and i also look forward to getting myself back
even if i have to grow me back
inch by inch
and one day at a time.