nothing at all

i've been staring at my computer screen for hours.
i want to write. it's what i do. it makes me feel better.
writing organizes my mind.


but today
i get a few words down, maybe a few sentences at most, and then i erase it all.
everything i write feels redundant to me.
i fear that maybe i've run out of words.
all the words to describe the thoughts and feelings currently swimming around in my body,
i have already written them.


i have written them over and over again.


so what do you say when you don't know what to say?
nothing at all.

a year ago shadow

Woah.
Last night i was slammed into a memory.
The memory of the pain i felt the week that "he" went missing.
I didn't know where it came from.
I realized tonight that it was a year ago from this week that i was dragged through that experience.

Ugh.

Worst week of my life.

I remember randomly collapsing onto the floor, screaming. While trying to simply function in my life i would fall and fumble to the floor in sheer sadness and pain.

My sister, Camerine, would hold me in her arms just to keep me from convulsing out of my body.

I relied on "Marlboro Light Therapy" because smoking was the only proof that i was breathing.

Brushing my teeth felt like the most unnatural thing to do.....how could i be expected to brush my teeth and go through my nightly routine of putting myself to bed when "he" was gone?

My night time was torture. I tossed and turned and often times took multiple showers a night just to calm down.



I spent an evening at the ball fields with some of "his" friends. On my way home a song came on the radio....and that is literally the last thing i remember until i found myself on the front walkway of "his" apartment building. I fell apart. I would have stayed there forever probably, except my family orchestrated a surprise visit to come pick me up and drive me back home.


I felt so lost.
My family gathered and discussed a plan of attack of what to do with me if "he" was found and wasn't ok.
I couldn't imagine a life without him. I guess i still can't. And they knew that.


UGH.

Anyway, didn't want to dive too much into the memories. Just wanted to share my "anniversary" moment. It is evidence that the feelings we feel, the experiences we have, never really leave us. Memories will always fall on us like shadows that overlap our present attendance in life. I feel we should honor those shadows that fall upon us with dignity and humility...we wouldn't be who we are without each and every one of them.

I need you

Folks Fest 2010

our picture with Ellis!!

Words to describe this past weekend:

love
music
lyrics
pictures
love
dance
laughter
hugs
friends
family
hope
relaxation
sunshine
life
creek
joy
love
love
love


the folks festival has turned into a family tradition. we have been going for 20 years now, since the very first folks festival, with very few festivals missed. it is our time to be together for 3 days and reconnect with our own hearts and each other....and most importantly, the hippie that lives within us all. we go to bed late every night, wake up early every morning, wear our hippie clothes, eat delicious food, drink beer of all kinds, and shop. it truly is a magical place and provides nothing short of a magical experience.


the musicians that play here are among some of the most talented musicians i have ever run across in my love and search for wonderful music. while the beat and lyrics echo through the canyon walls, they penetrate me completely, allowing for life changing experiences to happen within me every 2.5 seconds. i absorb every word; every lyric. they fill me with hope and bring me to a place of gratitude unlike anything else is able to do.


there were songs that made me cry. there were songs that made me laugh. but all the songs, minus the songs and voice of Greg Brown, made me feel alive. it's hard to feel anything other than life when you have emotions running through your veins faster than your own blood...and sitting on a tarp, in beautiful Lyons, CO, with my family and friends, that is exactly what it feels like. suddenly you are not kept alive by your own heart beat pumping blood through your body. your heart beat is replaced by the beat of a drum and it pumps through you this emotional and soulful nectar called music. it is an unbelievable feeling.


because today is monday, i am officially in "folks festival hangover". i am tired, i am happy, i feel chemically changed by my time and experience there, and all i want to do is go back. i wish i could bottle it all up so i can open the bottle and pour it all over me when i need to...just so i don't lose this feeling or stray too far from my gained perspective and happiness.

my "life tank" is all filled up. thanks to all who shared this weekend with me. i am so blessed.
love and light to all!! XO

comparing heart break

is it really fair?
isn't it all relative?

i think something magical happens when you hurt out loud
people can identify with you
and you are not alone
because we have all hurt
we have all cried
we have all ached
and we have all suffered.

to say someone has hurt more than another is unfair
false
and, in my opinion, mean.
it dishonors someone as a human being.

happiness and hurt are a universal language
something we ALL can understand.

we gain perspective from each other's stories.
we gain perspective from seeing other people happy, even in horrific circumstances.
we gain perspective by sharing and being compassionate.
that's the point.
we are not supposed to judge and compare.
there is no magic there.

that's all i have to say about that.

the wooden spoon

there is something comforting

and wise

about a wooden spoon.

it stirs cidars and soups

pushes and mixes meats and vegetables

drains liquids and sauces

pokes and smashes potatoes and delicious roots.

it gets rinsed

washed

and set out to dry

then placed back where it belongs

front and center on my kitchen counter

where i envy it's beauty

and envy it's strength.

it's a part of our culinary experiences

it adds to each meal what the other spoons

and spatulas

can not.

there is no substitute for a wooden spoon.

it's more natural and holistic than it gets credit for.
it's made from the earth.
it gets carved, shaped, sanded, oiled
and ends up in our homes
as a utensil
but really more as a family member.
you don't just HAVE a wooden spoon
you OWN a wooden spoon.

it's beautiful to me.
it brings me comfort.
it makes me WANT to cook
just to spend time with it.
it grounds me
makes me feel like a real woman
a beautiful woman.
a beautiful woman, in her kitchen, with a marvelous wooden spoon.

phone wars

i pick up my phone,

i put it back down.

i pick up my phone,

i slam it back down.

i pick up my phone,

i throw it back down.

i pick up my phone,

and i scream.



i hate when i fight with my phone.