Flipping and twirling around each and every obstacle
Walking tight ropes
Jumping through hoops
And building my strength for the acrobatics I perform.
The intensity
The excitement
The movement
The drama
And the fear
Make me feel crazy sometimes
But free at all times
To do
And be
Whoever I need to be
To cope
To deal
And to eventually laugh
And enjoy
My circus, my life.
9/15/11
i've dreamed of you
pictured your face
imagined holding you
loving you
and less than a week ago you slipped through my finger tips
before i even knew you were there.
i wasn't planning for you
i wasn't prepared
and i was afraid
so i don't blame you for leaving.
although it's probably for the best
please know this:
i cry.
i uncontrollably cry.
i will continue to dream of you
i will continue to love you
and i pray that maybe
someday
oneday
we might have the chance to meet.
I recently took a Shamanic Journeying class. It was so powerful.
I haven't even had the words to describe the weekend until now. I learned to travel into dimensions and parts of myself that I haven’t been able to go before. The amazing drumming is mostly responsible for this…seriously incredible. I felt myself dive deeper into a different type of existence with each beat. It was like magic.
I also learned that I don’t journey like most….. Of course I don’t. So I became more tuned in to what my body was experiencing VS my mind.
With each journey you take, you set an intention or focus on a situation you need divine insight into. Our first exercise in the class was finding our power animal. My conclusion afterwards was that the animal that greeted me was an Elephant.
On our second day, I was part of a demonstration of how to journey for someone else while lying beside them. So the instructor of the class journeyed for me. The entire class surrounded me….and the drumming began. This was so intense!! And I can honestly say that I have not been the same person since.
After “my journey” was over The instructor informed me of an animal she came across. She told me that this animal has been with me my whole life, since the beginning of my life. A Leopard.
So I painted my Leopard. I plan to paint many of the animals I journey with over the course of my lifetime, But thought I’d start at the beginning.
After a string of events
It became obvious to me that now was NOT the time to go to Oregon.
And after all is said and done, I have strong confirmation that there are reasons for me to be exactly where I am right now.
My lesson and affirmation in all that has happened: listen to your intuition and trust that life will always happen as it is supposed to. Be strong enough to set an intention and dream big, but still be open enough for life to take over and lead you-even if in different directions than you are charging.
My transition back into Lafayette has been interesting. I was expecting some comfort, but felt slightly suffocated instead. Expected to feel relieved, but felt trapped. Now that I’ve had time to adjust and catch my breath a little, it is obvious that I’m not the person I was when I left Lafayette (sounds a little silly considering I was only 10 minutes away) and in order to live here and tend to what I need to, I have to take the initiative to make some changes now. I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t change my location to induce change in my life, but instead change my life to support me when I eventually change locations.
SO, yet again, I’m on a road of investigation of the fibers that make me the interesting and strange woman that I am, and am on a mission to change my life dramatically. :)
Hello journal, it’s been a while.
Hello journeying, I can’t wait to experience you.
Hello tarot and all decks alike, will you date me?
In the last few weeks,
my life has gone from looking for a new place to live in my home state of Colorado,
to relocating to the Northwest.
McMinnville, OR to be more specific.
My mind still reels that this is true.
But it is.
Even though fear overwhelms my cautious mind,
My rebellious soul is ready for a big change.
I feel Colorado pushing me out of its mountainous beauty and family filled nest.
There really isn’t anything left for me here.
I’ve been restless for a while.
I’ve wanted to satisfy my gypsy needs since I was 17 years old.
And yet, I’ve remained here, happily.
But something is different now.
My thought-to-be career path ended years ago.
I’ve hardly made financial ends meet for far too long.
My fiercely independent nature has been tried and tested
as I’ve endured times of unemployment,
years of wandering around with no direction,
little motivation,
and a constant “holding on tight to survive” way of living.
I’m so tired.
And I can’t do it any longer.
Plus, the added component of my Dads desire to be out by the ocean has me SOLD on the idea,
in hopes that he joins me.
So, I’m going.
My lease is up at the end of June.
Many resumes out,
and already, a few job offers back.
Flying by the seat of my pants,
relying on xanex occasionally to keep me from exploding and falling apart,
support from my family,
support from my friends,
prayer,
essential oils,
and music,
are all going to guide me and assist me in this transition.
Here’s a song I have allowed to consume me, comfort me, and speak as my anthem.
Enjoy.
Love you all.
who has learned how to ride a bike from reading a book?
even with the best of instructions
you can't learn to ride without getting on a bike.
have you ever watched a young child getting ready to get on their brand new bike for the first time?
they are so excited!
but watch them attempt to get back on after a few good falls
they get nervous
scared
and sometimes cry.
occasionally even forced to give it one more try.
but eventually you see them riding.
learning to ride a bike
requires you to get ON a bike.
it takes more than a few tries
to find your balance
and actually ride the bike.
right?
exploring love and intimate relationships
is just like learning how to ride a bike.
you can read all the self help books you want to
you can watch other people "ride"
people can give you their best advice on how to find balance
and not fall
but until you get "on the bike"
you'll never learn
you'll never find that balance it requires to stay "on the bike"
it's impossible.
i have had a few "bikes"
i know what it feels like to get both feet off the ground
and feel the excitement of "riding"
i also know what it feels like to "fall off the bike"
and get all banged up from trying.
there are things we aren't capable of experiencing on our own.
without a bike
riding a bike is a fantasy
a dream
an idea.
i want to learn how to "ride"
even if i fall
i'll get back up
and try again
i just need a god damn bike.
BIKE WANTED!!
Looking for a bike. No specific make or model, just looking for something beautiful to me, for me. Perfect condition not required. Scratches and evidence from previous falls and crashes are ok, as long as it's ready to ride and not in need of lengthy repair. No training wheels please. Price range varies.
P.S. not willing to re-purchase any bikes i've already tried to ride. I've given them away and don't want them back. Thanks.
This past week has been filled with so many ups and downs, for me as well as my amazing family. My Grandma had Alzheimer's, and on Friday (1.14.11) she fell and was badly hurt. The following Sunday, we moved her into Hospice and all prepared ourselves for her farewell. This morning at 5:36am my Grandma passed away.
This experience has filled me with many feelings. Although it was hard to see her in the state she is in, there was still something so sweet and angelic about her. Her sweet hands. Her sweet face. Her sweet mumbles. Each time i went to visit her i was tempted to crawl up into bed with her....as that felt completely natural for me. But i couldn't.
During one of my visits, i sat with other family members and we were laughing and telling stories about her and past family memories....and she started to stir. She puckered her lips to give out as many kisses as she could. The only word we could make out was a very distinct NO when she was asked if she was in any pain.
I am brought to tears as i am filled with so much peace. This is when death is beautiful to me. I saw my Grandma bounce in between "worlds" and now i imagine her dancing and singing among the other angels in heaven, she so rightfully belongs with. She truly was an angel on earth.
To my Grandma: To be a Grand Daughter
to be a granddaughter;
to be your granddaughter
means that i was spoiled
and i was loved
beyond all reason and limitation.
when hard times fell upon me
you wrapped me up in your arms
and surrounded me with your loving words.
you brought me laughter
and more giggles than i can count
and you wiped away my tears
continuously
regardless of the amount.
we walked the mountains of our family land
and we shared stories and secrets like we were best friends.
there is this place that exists.
it's a place i dream about
fantasize about
and crave.
it's a place that provides comfort
and protection.
i imagine being lost in this place
and never wanting to leave.
this place
does exists
although i haven't found it
yet.
i've never been there before
but i know what it feels like
to be in this place.
i imagine all the little things
how it might smell
what it feels like...
i will know this place when i find it
when i feel it.
in finding this place
this is what i do know:
it exists between the two of us
without a lot of room
between your elbows
with both arms open
and it dead ends at your body
not letting me pass through.
this place has hands and arms
like a trap door
that closes in on me
and won't let me go.
it hums in satisfaction of me being close.
it needs me
to exist
for without me it doesn't...
it's my place.
