Is it October yet??
I love October.
It's been a while since i blogged.
My world has been all kinds of scattywhompus lately. I will do my best to sum up some highlights and leave you with a profoundly simple thought or two.
As summer comes to an end, my reflections are somber, happy, surreal, slightly bitter, eager, and are totally exhausting and overwhelming me. This past summer gave me experiences i certainly wasn't expecting. And as of recently, i feel that my blessed summertime experiences are attacking and torturing me.
So, coming into autumn, i long for some clarity; some peace of mind; some peace of heart; closure. I feel the need to re-familiarize myself with myself. The thought of having a conversation with myself who exists in a time that's beyond my current struggles intrigued me. So, i did it.
Here's a dialog between me and me.
"Hi."
"Hello."
"How are you?"
"I've been better."
"I know, i feel it too."
"A lot has happened."
"I know, I've felt it all."
"I hurt somewhere deep down inside of me, and i don't know how to remedy it."
"I'm aware of that pain, i feel it also. It's just going to take some time. Keep in mind that although there is pain, not all pain is bad or a sign that something is wrong. There is pain in growth, Lauren. There is pain in truth. And there will always be pain in letting go, of anything at all, big or small."
"I feel confused."
"I know, but you won't for long."
"I feel abandoned."
"I know, but you won't for long"
"I feel crazy."
"I know, but that's just your birth control pills. Kidding, Lauren, lighten up. You aren't crazy, no more than anyone else on this planet."
"I feel like i made the wrong decision."
"You didn't make a wrong decision, you just chose a different path."
"I miss Jared."
"I know. And you will. He holds a place in our heart for as long as i can tell, probably forever. We both know that he's not capable of being what you need. He can only be who he is. Love him for all that he is, and let him go. No more expectations. Send him love and prayer so he may find his own peace, his own happiness. Love him, don't hate him."
"When will i feel better?"
"When you are ready to."
"But I'm ready right now."
"If you were truly ready to feel differently right now, you would. Be patient."
"Noone understands."
"They aren't meant to. This is your journey, not theirs."
"I'm desperately wanting some things in my life that i don't currently have."
"I know you are. So many things are coming, Lauren. Many wonderful things."
Ok, that felt a little silly, but how often have you documented a conversation with yourself?? A lot harder than it might seem. ;)
Here's where i land today: Whether life feels good and easy right now or you feel tested and tortured, the bottom line is that life continues. Always evolving. Never the same from one minute to the next. I feel like i need to remind myself of this in times of frustration. I am able to look back on so many mundane moments in my past that ended up changing my life and who i am, forever. There is no ordinary. There is an opportunity for change in every second that passes, in every breath we breathe. Evolution is inevitable. There's nothing we can do to stop it, slow it down, or change it. So, ride it out. Keep moving. Always accept. Trust. If regret falls upon you, make different decisions next time--that's called a lesson learned. :)
To J - I'll forever and always be yours....on the path not chosen.
To Rio - I'll love you forever--to the moon and back--and I'm so sorry.
To Me - I'm honored to be you, hang in there. And thank you, for everything.
Soon it will be October. :)
Autumn, here i come.
