Life without my dad continues to be interesting. Living in a world without him in it for the first time in 35 years hasn't been easy. The silver lining to my saddness is the topic of my blog tonight.
After watching the life of my father come to an end, I promised myself that i'd make some changes. The first major change I made was quitting my job in the hopes to get back to work that was closer to a calling than just a paycheck. Although I enjoyed my job, loved the people that I was working with, and was making good money, I was working around the clock and unable to manage my stress level. Losing my dad increased my stress level, naturally. I had to get out, it was going to kill me.
I promised myself that I'd quit smoking - I'm still working on this one.
I promised to simplify my life as much as possible, which basically led to cleaning up my social circle. I want the people in my life who I love so much to feel my love every single day. This meant no more wasting time on the relationships that were not serving me and bringing love into my life. This will continue to be an ongoing project, but one that I fear not.
I promised myself a family. In any form. Ideally the kind that involves a man loving the shit out of me and giving me a couple humans to raise....but i'm trying to allow this subject of my life to unfold as its going to. Me and the Honey Bear are 5 years strong and more than enough for now.
I promised myself a lower number when climbing on the scale, but this also remains something in progress. What's become more of a goal for me is learning love and kindness for myself while going through these changes. Permission is funny. It's a word I use everyday. Giving yourself permission to act differently than you want to act is tricky.
On that note, I've come to the conclusion that the symptoms of grief are very similar to those of a brain injury. The smallest of situations became so overwhelming for me that I felt, and often still feel, totally handicapped and unable to navigate through many normal life experiences. My memory is questionable at best. My patience and tolerance for daily tasks and "normal" functions of daily living were so difficult...and remain difficult...that I've had to create creative and artistic ways to still be an adult. Grocery shopping? Forget it. Ive been ordering my groceries and having them delivered since June. Concentration is just a funny word I say sometimes Vs. something I am able to do. It's been a funny little world I've been living in, and I am finally getting around to admitting it and being totally OK with it.
My sliver of silver lining for tonight: i have more than one sliver, but im only going to share one of them tonight - I'm determined to keep the promise I made to myself to live a more integrity filled life. I am currently in a coaching certification class and will have my first of several certifications by the middle of December. These certifications will declare me a Life Coach and Wellness Coach. I long for the day that my income will be generated by discussing FEELINGS all day long. I get to incorporate my love of essential oils, my training in homeopathy, and my previous anxiety coaching experience in my future coaching practice. Heaven. The prospect of being self employed, making my own schedule, and growing a practice stable enough to make the money I want without climbing into the hamster-wheel-of-the-nothingness-life again makes me very excited. Tonight I am filled with so much anticipation and determination to make this dream of mine come true. For me, I feel like I am finally returning to my real lifes' work and I am extremely clear of what I want my life to look and feel like.
I'll be writing more later. Until then, be well and love fiercely.
I love you, Papa.
