Dear Dad

I watched you wither away
into the ashes that I carry around with me.
Last night I slept with your robe.
Your scent surrounded me all night long.
It was wonderful.
I've cleaned out your house,
replaced your carpets,
and painted the walls.
I've paid your bills.
I've cancelled some accounts.
I've sold your car.
Soon I'll be selling your home.
Our family home.

Although the details of your life have been a large project for me
I feel closer to you by remaining in your "world"
your paperwork
your passwords
your money
your house
your responsibilities while you were alive.
I fear what feelings I will feel once it's all completed
and there's nothing left for me to tend to.

I feel sometimes that I am chipping away at your life
your physical life on this earth
and slowly erasing any evidence that you were here at all.
I don't like it.

I randomly cry.
I cry both happy tears and tears of sorrow
many times a day.
Memories of my 34 years with you constantly play in my mind
and memories of our last few months together
fill up and tear apart my heart.
I miss you.
I can't imagine that changing.
In fact, I feel my longing for you grow stronger every day.

I love you.
Keep talking to me in pennies and sunsets. :)