random thoughts in the eye of the storm

I am in such a weird state of mind and i thought it would be so much fun to capture it in print. I hope i succeed.

Something amazing happened today. It happens sometimes when i least expect it. I sat in a moment completely aware and surrounded by MY worth. The worth i hold as a human, a woman, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a lover, a neighbor....MY worth. I am surrounded by THE most amazing people on the planet and at times i am shocked that i am lucky enough to call them my friends and family. I think i am the luckiest person alive.

MY insanity lately:
There's been so much going on in my life recently that i've been spinning inside my body, just trying to keep up with life. And somewhere in the mess of it all, today i found a calm and quiet place. I envision it being a ledge or window in the middle of a pile of muck that's out of control and busy and chaotic and loud and dirty. Not having slept much in the past few days, my "calm place" might be due to sleep deprivation, but i don't care to know the source of it. I am basking in it.
There's a crazy freedom and fun in a little insanity. I believe that we only find our true strength when we are pushed to our limit. Like a balloon. Life, strength, faith...it all stretches out and grows, gets bigger and better with each life experience we go through. I felt me stretch today.

The fine line between pleasure and pain:
I have floundered between tears and laughter so much in the past few days. I never thought that my grandpa's ear gone missing could be so funny at the same moment that the pain of one of my best friends gone missing act is breaking my heart. What a ride it is to ride the waves between two different emotions like that. It was awesome! Some people call this hysteria. I call it surfing. :)

Angels:
Amazing to me how people come into our lives at the exact moment you need them. It feels sometimes like they were out searching for you and found you just in time. Pete found me recently. I know him only by written words as i have yet to hear his voice. But he has managed to hold me together in my "pile of muck". For this i will be forever grateful.

Gatorade:
Helping my hang over. Note to self: rumplemints + beer + tequila = a killer headache and severe dehydration. And no, my insanity doesn't include an alcohol problem.

To my Wy:
I love that i love you. I love that i chose to endure my journey of loving you and experiencing you the way i have in this past year. There is so much GOOD in you. Even when your decisions don't make any sense to me at all, even when they hurt and disrespect me, i find myself in a position of unconditional love and gratitude for who you are and the friendship we have. But i am now prepared to love you, miss you, crave you, and grieve the absence of our time together as i simultaneously not offer another ounce of myself or my life to you. A piece of my heart will be yours until the day i die. I gave you that piece a long time ago and it's not something i want or can get back. It's yours. It was a gift. I didn't give it to you for something in return. My heart isn't something that can or needs to be bought. I offer my heart and my love to people because that is who i am. And i have no regrets. If i could do it all over again, i would with out any hesitation at all.

Xanex:
Thank you.

To my heart:
Thank you for being open and being able to love and show yourself despite the few bruises and scars that you wear. I feel you when you ache. I feel your every beat. I do my best to protect you, but know that even when you are left vulnerable and exposed you take care of yourself. You heal. You continue to beat. And most importantly, you continue to love. You have the ability to love and accept and trust more than any other part of my body. I am envious of your strength.

To all reading this:
Go be fabulous. Life is too short. Much love.

LOST

i sit here
with no idea where you are
or if you are okay
many times i feel unable to take in another breath
without hearing your voice.

a song found me today.
it's a song we have listened to many times before going to bed
it replays over and over again
through out the walls of my home
and in my mind.

i'm posting it here
as a prayer
a plee
a desperate cry
in hopes i get to see your sweet face soon.



If I Could Be Where You Are
-Enya

Where are you this moment?
only in my dreams.
You're missing, but you're always a heartbeat from me.
I'm lost now without you,
I don't know where you are.
I keep watching,
I keep hoping,
but time keeps us apart

Is there a way I can find you,
is there a sign I should know,
is there a road I could follow
to bring you back home?

Winter lies before me
now you're so far away.
In the darkness of my dreaming
the light of you will stay
If I could be close beside you
If I could be where you are
if I could reach out and touch you
and bring you back home

Is there a way I can find you
Is there a sign I should know
Is there a road I could follow
to bring you back home to me.