turquoise "rehab"

last monday was my day
the day i reached my limit
the day i said no more
the day i started my work
my own "rehab".

i feel as though i've been walking around with a gaping hole inside of me
i'm painfully aware of my wound every moment of every single day
and i feel it's time to tend to it.

in my attempt to hide my "hole"
or pretend that it's not there
or to fill it back up again
i have turned to every thing one should NOT use to ease the feeling of hurt.

so i am committed to my own "rehab"
a healing regimen of self help
self love
and movement in other directions.

it's hard.

i feel restless.
i feel like my head is going to explode.
nighttime drives are popular with me,
helps clear my head.
i journal.
i read.
i talk. a little.
i cry.
i swim.
i shower.
i paint.
i sleep.
i pace.
i laugh.
i sing.
i scream.
i dream.
i hope.
i flex.
i tremble.

everyday is a busy day.

i ditched the cell phone.

no alcohol.

no distractions .

no men.

i even cancelled cable. NO TV!

nothin'!

just me, myself and i.

tonight i painted anything i could get my hands on
and my color of choice was turquoise.
turquoise never being one of "my" colors
i found it to be shocking
interesting
comforting.

i now have pieces of furniture, picture frames, and a plant stand that are turquoise.

Turquoise: "Love, healing, generosity, emotion, feeling , the unconscious , intuition, individual responsibility, creativity , communication, self reliance , independence. This color has more to do with feeling and creative expression than with rational thought."